Dear Women, we know you're tempted to read those shitty magazines you see in the grocery store check out line for things like special holiday recipes and funky ways to style your hair. But us men would like to kindly ask you to skip the sex tip section because we are beginning to worry about the safety of our genitals. As a matter of fact, we'd like to ask that you ignore the magazine Cosmo altogether as there cannot be anything of worth that comes from a magazine that promotes sex tips like the ones below.  

So ladies, or men, here are 5 things you should never in a million years do to your man in the bedroom. 

The Jar:

This had to be a joke, right? Like a jar, seriously? Like a fucking jar? My dick is not a can of pasta sauce and you should not treat it like one. Some poor guy is going to be on the date of his life until she rips his damn head off like she's hungry for a pickle. Women, do not try to open your man's penis. 

Pepper:

Whoever wrote these dumb sex tips must have been hungry, or thinking about dinner because, for some reason, there is more food talk than actual sex advice.  Ya girl hit me with that pepper and then get mad and storm off after I sneeze in your damn face will I'm trying to get off. 

The Glazed Donut:

Seriously, what is with all this food-related sex bullshit. The glazed donut? Put my dick in a donut and lick it with your sugar covered lips? Have you ever had a glazed donut? That shit is sticky on your fingers forever and no man wants sugar glazed donuts in his pubes and around his dick. WTF? Here's a better idea, go down on a man, and just feed him the donut instead, guaranteed to be tasty for both parties.  

Indian Burn:

Okay, now I'm convinced that 'Jamie, 30' has malicious intent and this move is only on the list to trick women into ripping apart their man's dick. Remember when you did this to your friends as a kid because you wanted to HURT them? I do, and if any girl ever did this to me, I'd show her the fucking door, but not before giving her one back. 

 The Grapefruit: 

Just for good measure, here is another food-related sex tip to bring the tally to four total horrible hungry sex facts to never try. This one honestly isn't as bad as the Glazed Donut, but will still give guys the same sticky dick. Watch the video if you dare and share this with your girlfriends to make sure they know what NOT to do in the bedroom.