So you did it again. You touched your junk after you just handled some jalapeños. You knew it was going to happen, you made jokes about it, and yet - you did again. Maybe you even washed your hands with dish soap and water after you handled them, but somehow the power of the pepper persisted.

So what now? How do you get rid of the jalapeño burn from your bits?

Most sources will tell you that you should’ve worn gloves when you cut hot peppers, or coated your hands in olive oil or vegetable oil. Yeah, okay. But I didn’t. We’re passed that.

Other places prescribe pouring rubbing alcohol on your jalapeño hands. Okay. BUT IT’S NOT MY HANDS, IT’S MY CAPTAIN AND HIS CADETS THAT ARE ON FIRE AND I’M NOT GOING TO POUR ISOPROPYL DOWN THERE.

The best solution we can tell you to stop the burn from chili oils in this scenario is to drop your twig and berries into a bowl of cool milk or yogurt. Truth be told, you might actually like it.

You might become one of those guys that watches the clock at work just so you can rush home and grab a cool carton and the remote. Maybe, it becomes your little secret. But over time it starts to affect your relationships with friends and family.

You slowly recede into a lonelier and lonelier place until one day when you’re in line at the grocery store to grab a few gallons and you exchange glances with an attractive woman. Despite your years of whole milk hermitage, something in you remembers how to flirt and you manage to get a date.

Weeks, months go by and and your time with her is stabilizing and you start feeling steadily more like your old self, but deep down there’s an overwhelming guilt that follows you because you know that at some point you’re going to have to tell her about your enslavement to the pasteurized.

Let me tell you how this plays out, dear reader. Every day that guilt weighs so heavily on you that it actually starts to affect your posture. You slump under the weight of your own self-loathing. But you can’t bring yourself to tell her.

But maybe she’ll understand, maybe she’ll ignore it, hell, maybe she’ll learn to love this concealed part of your life. These are all things you tell yourself, but you can’t bring yourself to do it. So you end it with her. It’s over. You’ve chosen your path. You would rather lose this wonderful woman than face the embarrassment and shame of your obsession. Your last shot at love, human connection, of human embrace.

So listen, if you think that the dairy product method is too risky, I get it. You can also try mixing a solution of baking soda and water and dip your members in that. There’s zero risk that’s going to be your thing.

Or you might be some super freak and enjoy that penile pepper burn in which case you should know that it’s only generally going to last up to 24 hours but usually goes away after 1-2, so you better stock up.

Let this be a cautionary tale for the next time you’re cutting chili peppers - you never know where an undiscovered, life-altering fetish might be hiding. Be extremely careful, and good luck.

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