Yet another thing to file under the “Things I Could Have Gone My Entire Life Without Hearing About” is a recent drama alleged to have taken place at the home of Queen Goop herself, Gwyneth Paltrow.

According to a blind item originally shared in popular gossip newsletter Popbitch, a recent guest at Paltrow’s Hamptons home “catastrophically shat themselves in bed.” If that weren’t bad enough, it’s also alleged that they fled back to New York City before they had to face Paltrow herself. The blind item blamed Ozempic for the disaster, claiming that “Ozempic-induced diarrhea is becoming a very hot topic of conversation between hosts [in the Hamptons] — because so many of their guests are using it.”

Celebrity gossip Instagram DeuxMoi followed up with additional details, claiming that the guest didn’t bother to clean up after themselves but instead just left money for the cleaning staff, who then had to scrub the walls, ceilings and floors. What the hell amount of shit are we talking about here exactly?

Eventually, a single name emerged from all of the online chatter, allegedly identifying the person responsible: Derek Blasberg. If you haven’t heard of him, that’s to be expected; he’s best known for being a celebrity hanger-on and occasional writer. But how could we possibly know this? Apparently, Paltrow told none other than Oprah, Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld and Larry David about the incident and who was responsible. At that point, it was inevitable that a name would get out. I, for one, am choosing to believe Larry David blabbed.

Like most celebrity gossip, this is, of course, unconfirmed, and Blasberg hasn’t made any statements or social media posts referencing the rumors. Comments about the story are all over his Instagram, however, and many of them are surprisingly supportive, with people telling Blasberg they understand his pain and have been in similarly nightmarish situations, as well as people hoping he feels better soon.

The best comment, though, is one that simply reads: “It deserves a Simpsons episode remake.”

Hopefully Gwyneth would be down to do a cameo as herself.