Wondering if you should stick your dick in that inanimate object? Let TikTok’s favorite Emergency Medical Dispatcher serve as your sign to keep your cock far, far away from anything other than your hand, a sex toy, or a consenting partner.

Since uploading his first video in early 2021, @Badge502 has emerged as the voice of reason TikTok needs in these horny times, stitching some of the platform's most viral forbidden “would-s” with a stern warning – don’t even think about fucking heavy machinery, shark eggs, construction equipment or anything weird, for that matter.

“No,” he said with a stern head shake in his most recent viral stitch to a video of a worker using an automatic post driver, one that garnered more than 1.3 million likes in its first three days on the site. Like all of his posts, @Badge502 elaborated on why, exactly, getting it on with an industrial tool is a terrible, terrible idea.

“Look…I didn’t want to have to do this one. I thought it went without saying,” he quipped, noting that the device “will literally tap tap tap you until there are two separate but equal halves of you.” 

“I can’t fix that, not with all the gauze or duct tape in the world. Unless you want to be an uncomfortable scarecrow the rest of your life, please don’t do this,” he continued. “Please…don’t meet me like this.”

But it’s not just those with dicks who should be worried about the dangers of solo-ing too close to the sun. Enter the compression sock donner that makes The Great American Challenge look minuscule.

“Don’t do anything you don't want to make up a story for in the back of my ambulance,” he captioned his stitch of a video begging him to respond to the original clip. “I’ll listen, I’ll care, but I won't believe you.”

So take it from @Badge502 – please, for the love of all that is good, keep it in your goddamn pants.