I've given up on my wife.  Any redemption is up to her.  I've already told her I'll do anything to save the marriage.  That's still true.  Sad, but true.  As much shit as I've taken, as shitty as she's been, as dim as the reasons for her problems have been, and even though I'll never forgive her for the look on my son's face when he realized what I was talking about, there could still be reconciliation.

It's less than one in ten now, but I've hit two outer's before on the river.  Those are long odds too.  You don't muck your cards until you see the river, no matter how unlikely improving your hand is.

That's my last, feeble hope.

I'm going to make it clear to my wife that I consider this a separation.  I'll help her move some shit over to her mom's.  I'll make sure I'm gone when she comes to pick shit up.  If she wants to go fuck other guys... fine.  Who gives a shit.  She's not been a wife to me in quite some time.  Why should I be the only one who's fucking miserable.  Let her fuck up some other guy for a while.

I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do.  Surprisingly enough, I don't feel like going out, getting some strange, and partying down.  I just want to spend time with my kids.

I've told my wife that the ball's in her court.  If she wants to walk away from the family, that's up to her.  I can't make her want to be married.  I can't make her not traumatize her kids because she didn't want to make an effort to fix things.

If we'd both tried to fix the marriage and failed, fine.  I was the only one who tried to do shit.

I told her it was NOT okay to tell the kids that we'd both decided to end the marriage.  Fuck her.  I told the kids that I would do anything to save the marriage, but until their mommy learned how to forgive me, there was nothing I could do.  She was sitting there.  I kept on stopping, nodding my head at her to jump in, but she just sat there like a fucking dumbass.  I ran the whole show.

My daughter fucking hates her now.  After my son had his petite mal style loss of consciousness, I took my daughter aside and talked to her for an hour.  I didn't lie, I didn't blow smoke up her ass, but I encouraged her not to hate her mother (that's my fucking job, I guess).

When I was talking about arragements my daughter said, "But she's never here for us."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is."

I got her talked down, or at least to the point where she realized I couldn't let her trash her mother to my face.  I won't torpedo my wife with her kids.  I won't manipulate them against her.

I will, however, sue her ass for alimony.  My father paid for my college.  I paid for her college.  We've been paying $1,000/month for over four years to pay off her student loan and credit card debt as a result of her education.  Now she makes a buttload more than I.  In Nevada, that's going to cost her.

I don't know why she thought this wouldn't be a messy divorce when she's willing to fuck up my kids without making an effort first.  I'm over what she's done to me.  I'm hardened up to where I'm resistant to her do emotional damage to me.  My kids whole world is crashing down on them.  This isn't their fault and they're the ones that are going to suffer.