Since there seems to be widespread idiocy on the roads, I thought I'd make this helpful Q&A to assist those of you who can't seem to locate the gas pedal. I'll suggest hypothetical situations that you are certain to encounter if you drive, and ask you what that situation means and/or what you should do if you're in it. I'll provide multiple choice answers to make this easy, since those of you who really need this won't have the cognitive capacity to answer anything more complicated than that.

Situation 1: You're driving along a one-lane road. Speed is irrelevant, you may or may not be doing the speed limit... it really doesn't matter. There is nothing but wide open road in front of you, and yet you've accumulated a line of cars behind you that has been growing steadily since you began. This must mean:

A. You're not driving fast enough, and should either speed up or pull over and let the line pass you.

B. You're fine, they're just a bunch of speeders. If they want to speed that bad, they can cross the yellow line and pass you one at a time as the opportunities arise.

C. Fuck them. Slow down even more, see how they like that.

Situation 2: You're driving along a multi-lane road, and you're in the furthest left lane. This lane is also called the passing lane, yet you're not passing anyone. In fact, people are regularly passing you illegally on the right. This lane is also nicknamed the fast lane, yet you're obviously not driving faster than anyone else on the road. This must mean:

A. You must have accidentally drifted into this lane somehow without realizing it, and should move over since you obviously don't have any business being in this lane. 

B. You have no idea what this lane is for. You just like being in the left lane, for whatever reason.

C. You just like to get in everyone's way. At least when they're flipping you off and shaking their fists, they're still acknowledging your existence, which is something people probably don't do for you very much. 

Situation 3: You're driving along. Once again, speed is irrelevant here. This time, the number of lanes is also irrelevant. Someone behind you who thinks you're driving too slowly pulls up right on your ass and starts flashing their lights to make you either speed up or move out of the way, whichever the situation permits. You should:

A. Momentarily forget where the gas pedal is, and spend the next few minutes trying to remember how you're supposed to make your car accelerate again while it slowly decelerates more and more. If you're alone and feeling saucy, try testing your brakes and seeing how quickly you can bring your car to a complete stop. If they hit you, feign neck and back injuries. Don't worry about car damages and hospital bills; the other guy is going to pay for everything. Rear end collisions are ALWAYS the fault of the rear driver no matter what, because they're legally responsible for maintaining safe stopping distance from the vehicle in front of them. 

B. Speed up or move out of the way, whichever the situation permits.

C. Savor the attention you're getting while it lasts. Again, at least this guy knows you exist.

Situation 4: You're approaching a point where you intend to make a right turn off of a very busy, high traffic, 45-55mph road. You should:

A. Turn on your turn signal well in advance so the cars behind you know you're going to have to slow down dramatically in a moment. Try not to drop below 20 mph if you can help it, but some vehicles just don't handle well enough for that. 15 if that's the case. Bottom line is, try to get out of everyone's way quickly.

B. Don't turn on your signal until you've already started slowing down. Slow down all the way to 5-10 mph to make sure you can turn safely.

C. Don't turn on your signal at all. Wait until the last minute and decelerate as quickly as possible, then turn off the road also as slowly as possible.

Situation 5: You're making a LEFT turn off of a road. You have your own turning lane, so the only traffic you need be concerned with are other people making the same turn, of which there are several. Now, for the last 100-200 yards while approaching this turn, you've had a clear unobstructed view for a full mile or so down the road. There is no oncoming traffic. You should:

A. Just roll right into the turn without stopping. You can see, clear as day, that there's no traffic, so what's the point in coming to a complete stop before you turn?

B. Come to a complete stop and stare at the still very empty road for a few seconds before it dawns on you that there are no cars coming and then make the turn.

C. Pretend your car just broke down. Get out and pop the hood. Ask the guy behind you if he has jumper cables. See if you can manage to touch his hand when he gives them to you. Yay, human contact!

Bonus Question 1: You like to drive exactly the speed limit. Perhaps you even like to drive 5 miles UNDER the posted speed limit! You are:

A. A law-abiding good samaritan.

B. A moron.

C. A road hazard.

D. Obstructing traffic.

E. B, C, and D.

Bonus question 2: You're sitting at a stop sign waiting to merge onto a busy road with a lot of traffic. It takes an average car less than two seconds to make a right turn in this situation, and less than 3 seconds to cross the near lanes and make a left turn on the other side of the road. Yes, those are real estimates, I'm not kidding. Time yourself sometime. In spite of this, you consistently ignore 5-10 second openings, waiting instead for there to be a mile-long gap in this heavy traffic before you feel safe enough to merge, no matter how long it takes to get one. You are:

A. Way too old, stupid, or handicapped to be driving.

B. A pussy.

C. Wishing you had been born a man, or that you could just grow some balls.

D. All of the above.

Alright!! Now here's how to score yourself. For the situational questions, tally up how many A's, B's, and C's you have and see what you got the most of. If you got mostly:

A's - Congratulations, you know how to drive.

B's - You're an idiot. Invest in a bicycle or carpool. It's good for the environment and it'll save you gas.

C's - You were starved for attention as a child. Either seek professional help, or kill yourself. If you seek help, do so on foot.

For the bonus questions... Bonus Q1 is E, and Bonus Q2 is D. For each bonus question you answered correctly, give yourself a pat on the back. It doesn't make you a better driver, but at least you're not living under any illusions. See you next time!!