Back in the fall, I was drinking a lot of Red Bulls and they really made me feel like I was being shot out of a cannon. I loved the stuff. Problem is, that junk is expensive. Who can afford to drink more than one a day? Certainly not me. My money goes to more enterprising pursuits, like laminating equipment and buying ladies drinks. I wish I could drink six or seven cans of the stuff a day to keep me going, but until I win the lottery, that’s not happening. When I was in the convenience store the other day, though, I saw this new energy drink called VivaMaxxPlus, so I decided to give it a shot.

Let me tell you, that stuff is amazing. They’re half the price of the Bull and they get my heart going even faster. It’s incredible. I drink a whole mess of them at lunchtime and then I’m awake until the sun comes up. It really helps me get through the workday and then my real workday, which starts at around 10pm. It’s hard to explain the feeling I get, but it’s like someone hooked up a battery to my body and it’s in charge of making my blood flow, but the dial that controls the speed got messed up and it’s stuck on “super fast.” That’s exactly what it feels like. That, or stepping on an exposed wire at a construction site where you’re trying to scam some copper late at night. I know what that feels like and VivaMaxxPlus is pretty similar.

I decided I have to limit myself to three or four a day or else I’m going to get in some real trouble. Any more than that and I get pretty aggressive. Last week, I drank five cans of the sauce and when this new lady started questioning me about what I did at work, I freaked out. I started imagining me and her on a go-kart track, but she didn’t have a go-kart and my go-kart had all kinds of James Bond spy weapons on it. Right when I started picturing myself shooting her with my dashboard missiles, I realized I needed to take it down a notch. I’m not a violent person, but there’s something in that VivaMaxxPlus that makes me craaaaaaazy.

I wonder if they sell a decaf version…