Wife went over her mother's tonight after work.  Her mother is divorced.  Dad was dying of lymphoma when she dumped him.  No shit.  That's no lie.  In her defense, the divorce had been scheduled for when my wife, the youngest, graduated from high school.

I've talked to my father, with 43+ years of an extremely fucked up marriage, he's an excellent resource.  I've talked to my friend of thirty years who survived one of the worst divorces from one of the worst people imaginable.  I've vented here, among the peanut gallery.  I've been on countless websites and forums of divorce advice and facts.

Did my wife talk to her mother about possibly getting a divorce?

"Yeah.  A little.  Not really."

She hasn't done anything, researched anything, talked to anybody, or done anything.  Is this encouraging?  Yes?  No?  Who the fuck knows.  All I know is it's fucking frustrating.  I'm running out of steam, fighting for my marriage.  I'm progressing along the emotional roller coaster ride to acceptance though. 

Blaming the spouse?  Yeah, still working on that one.

Depression and disbelief?  Check

Anger?  Starting to click on.

Only a couple more to go!

Running out of steam though.  Can't believe my wife didn't talk to her mother.  I was an emotional wreck when she came home.  I was watching Sixth Sense with my daughter.  When the Osment character asks the Willis character what he wants most:

"I want my wife to talk to me.  I want my wife to talk to me like she used to.  Like we were the only two people in the world."

I almost fucking lost it.  I don't think my daughter noticed.

I lost it in front of my seven year old son yesterday.  He ran up to me and gave me a hug, we were learning magic tricks out of the "Lunchbox of Magic" I got in an NPR auction a month ago.

"I love you, daddy.  You're the best daddy in the World."

I'm giving him a hug.  He's way the fuck down there.  He can't see my face.

"Thank you, it means a lot to me that you'd say that.  You're the best son ever too."

Holy fuck.  Is this what it feels like to be a teenage girl?  Always on the verge of tears?  Like I said, I was on a 30 year run of not even tearing up when I yawn. 

My wife was acting weird when she came home.  She didn't touch me or give me anything.  She didn't treat me with disdain or any obvious emnity.  That was nice.  Maybe she did talk with her mother and didn't care to discuss the content of the discussion with me. 

I can't fucking trust her anymore.  Her behavior, from my point of view is irrational and she actually DID lie to me, as petty as it was, about being on facebook.  Sucks.  I mentioned in my last blog that I lied to her for the first time too.  I guess I can't take the moral high ground there.  Perhaps my lack of trust of her is a reflection of the way I feel about what I did.  I'm pretty proud of the fact that I've never lied to my wife.  I can't say that anymore.  That's okay.  Pride has just been melting away these last few weeks.

Just low.  Surgeon in the morning.  The Alamo in the afternoon.  Duello on the radio on the drive over.  "NO PRISONERS!"

If I was a betting man (and I am) I'm going to be starting my trial separation tomorrow.  My mother-in-law will start raising my son.  I predict my daughter and I will stay in my house.  My wife and son will stay in my mother-in-law's house.  I have to take my daughter to school.  We have to leave at the crack of dawn.

I can't imagine telling the kids.  There's no way I'm going to be able to hold it together.  Thus will begin the worst couple years in my kid's childhood.

If I were to handicap odds for my marriage continuing, I'd lay 10 to one against.  A couple weeks ago, I'd have given it even odds.  That's a pretty discouraging trend.  1 in 10 chance of success isn't a hopeless bet though.  Don't muck your hand yet.  Wait until the river, right?  I've hit two outers before.