Associated Press - August 21, 2011

Police officials were appalled today when they saw an ugly man walking in front of their police station in a really weird way.  Upon confronting the man, they realized he had a fire hydrant stuck in his asshole.

The man fought back, not wanting the fire hydrant to be removed, but it had to be removed, because it was city property.

The ugly man was later identified as volcomisnewshit--not so much because of his looks, but because of his really small penis that pretty much resembles a vagina.

We tried to get an interview with volcomisnewshit, but then we realized that none of our correspondants spoke stupid. 

Upon interviewing the police, only the chief of police had something to say about the incident:

"Well, I guess this was to be expected.  I mean, it is volcomisnewshit we're dealing with here.  He'll stick anything up his ass.  We can only hope he caught HIV from the hydrant, and will die within a few years time."