Hondas... great cars, but I hate the kids that drive them. They just act so silly... anyone else ever notice that?

     Don't bench race with me. Ever. It's insulting, and it makes you look like a tool. The fact that you ordered an over-priced "cold air" intake, full "high performance racing" cat-back exhaust, decals and neon under-lights does not make you Speed Racer. The fact that you had to pay a "speed" shop to put it on really doesn't help my opinion of you.

     The fact that you yourself installed the 280 extra pounds of body kit, strobe lights, subwoofers and $500 Recaro racing seats does not make you an accomplished mechanic. The fact that you brag about the "great deal" you got for your car's "tuner chip" on eBay makes me giggle.

     The mere fact that you talk about wanting to "throw a turbo or some Nos on that bad boy" makes you look dumber yet. (Cars are chicks, dude. Just like ships. And no one except those ridiculous movies calls it "Nos". Its either nitrous or "juice" or simply, "haha".)

     Also, the fact that when I asked you how you would lower the compression ratio to compensate with a turbo's boost, and you looked at me like I asked what the multiplicative inverse property of the square root of pi was while traveling above the speed of light, just further cemented the fact that I want to punch you in the balls so that you will be unable to reproduce.

     The fact that you want to do all this to an '08 Honda vtec that is still under factory warranty is insane.

     The fact that you said that I was "sceered" to "go 'head and settle this in the streets like a mayn, you know I'm sayin" just offered further proof that you weren't worth my time. The fact that you did all this at my sister's house, in front of her, just proved the fact that she keeps very poor company.

     So of course I took the old girl out of the garage. Of course I fired her up. Of course I warmed her up nice and good. Of course I did my safety check. Of course I went head to head.

     Of course I ewwy-gooeyed your ass up and down the street, through a nice little stretch of isolated twisting and undulating roadway, and then up the highway is a testament to the fact, as you later stated repeatedly, that "it's just cuz I was missin' that second to third shift". Mmmm. Must be it. I never thought of that, you see, I dont have rev limiter. If I miss a shift, I'll throw a rod.

     The fact that mommy and daddy bought you a beautiful, well equipped, brand new Honda and you thought you were the Fastest and Most Furious had nothing to do with it.

     The fact that I (and heres the not so little "secret") spent the last six years as a mechanic, four years as a German car mechanic, had nothing to do with it. That I bought my car for a thousand bucks not running, busted my ass on it, and got it to where you see it today (way ahead in the distance, with the hazards on), had nothing to do with it.

     The fact that you are the kind of person who buys the ever popular, but heavy, chromed-out twenty inch rims with generic rubbers had nothing to do with it. Silly me, I thought my little 17inch Borbet alloy rims wrapped in Pirellis was good enough for the job.

     My silly little car? A 1991 e34 535i m30 motored BMW. Nothing fancy, hell its a four door sedan. Stock rating? About 210 horsepower. Nothing fancy.

     Hell, I opened the hood for you, and your response? "Daaaamn, you goin' down dawg". O really? Oh really really??

     Not the fact that I pulled the motor out? Rebuilt it? Decked the head, rebuilt the valve train, cam'd it, hopped up the spark system? That I put in a custom ECM, not a chip, a whole ECM, written to my specifications for what was going to be done to the motor? That I ported the intake, ported and polished the exhaust, spent what you spent on your fancy "air intake" on engine gaskets? High flow water pump, radiator, bigger Bosch fuel injectors, new sensors, blah blah blah...

     Hell, I spent a week just trial-and-erroring the suspension before I finally got it where I like it. Bilsteins, H&R springs, camber kit, sway bars, strut braces, everything. I don't know how you lowered your Honda, but I have an aching suspicion that it involved an acetylene torch and a fat guy sitting on that corner of the car. The drive train? I did up the clutch and slave cylinder (stiff, just like a Porsche). Final drive? Well the rear axle has had some work done, its taller and I put in the limited-slip.

     My high performance exhaust? It involved me cutting off the entire exhaust, catalytic converters, O2 sensors, mufflers and all; and running a big ol' straight pipe out the ass. It's loud, yes, but at least it doesn't sound like a swarm of angry bees in a coffee can like your car. Yes, it backfires and shoots flames when I downshift, yes, I noticed that too.

     That weird smell? Well, she runs rich (obviously). My gas station? Oh no, I typically run to the community airport and get 100LL (you know, the "blue stuff"). You see, I need the lead so I don't cook a valve or something. I need the higher octane because the timing is advanced so far and the motor runs quite hot. Noooo silly, more octane doesn't mean more power, it just means I can safely make more power. All those gauges? Unlike your giant AutoZone tachometer that you have mounted... well, right on top of your car's stock tachometer, I need to keep an eye on all the goings on in my engine.

     Jesus this kid was dense. The thousands of dollars and hundreds upon hundreds of hours of my labor I have poured into my car do pay off. I know, shes a quick car. It ain't the fastest and a new M5 (and many other cars) has me for lunch in a straight away. In the twisty-turnies, we're very well matched. I set my suspension up the same way BMW does for their performance-minded vehicles, and the M5 gets to use just a little bit more horsepower than I am in those instances. Coming out of the corner, yeah, you eat me. But through the apex, Im nose to your rear fender. It's a fun car to drive.

     Doesn't matter what you drive, if you're good we'll have a good time. If your car is more powerful than you are skilled, then you will die. If I'm better than you, then my little sister will laugh at you.

I am savcam500, and I get lots of speeding tickets.