Merkin? What the fuck is a merkin? For everyone in the unawares a merkin is a pubic hair wig. Yup, specifically designed for women to wear above their labia. The idea sounds ridiculous, but trust me, the merkin is a real thing. It's not just some shit I made up while drinking.

Anyway, the thing is that when people used to catch lice they had a problem. Lindane (aka “crab killer”) was not available for sale in the United States as a medicine until 1951. If you wanted to get rid of lice before then you either had to:

1. Get a comb that was so fine it only allowed 1 hair width at a time to pass between the tines. You could then pluck out the lice eggs, called “nits”, and get rid of them. The whole process could take hours and you had to do it each day for several weeks. Hence, to this day “nit picking” refers to something that is a pain in the ass.

2. You could shave all your hair off where you were infested.

The thing is, the people who were most prone to getting crab lice were prostitutes and the men who went to see them. But, then, the guy would come home and give them to his wife or girlfriend. The prostitutes were shameless. It was just kind of understood that if you were a prostitute you'd walk around with a shaved cooch all the time. But women of breeding didn't want to be mistaken for “working girls” so they would buy merkins. This way, they could shave if their boyfriend gave them lice, but no one had to know about it. That's just the way it worked for a long time. Records of them being used for this go back to the fifteenth century.

But then, France fell. Starting with World War One, and again in World War Two, the French surrendered practically before Germany had finished uttering it's ultimatum. American G.I. Joes (G.I. meaning “government issue”) were shipped overseas to fight in large scale foreign wars. When they got to Britain, they encountered large numbers of lonely housewives who would offer themselves up for quickies or “wall jobs” (where the woman wouldn't even get undressed and the G.I. would just have her against a convenient wall.) But when they got to France the soldiers found not housewives but large numbers of prostitutes. This would also happen in later wars, like Korea and Vietnam. Large groups of soldiers will always attract “camp followers” who know that the men will always want some comfort; and that the sex drive is often stronger than the fear of catching something from a skanky prostitute.

So for decades, the American male found himself buried in shaved prostitutes. They would shave their vag. They would shave their armpits. They would shave their legs and arms. Frequently they would even shave their head and just wear wigs. And after spending lots of time with wild, hairless hookers...the men would come home to their plain old wives and girlfriends. How boring.

But what if...“Hey, honey. Would you do me a favor and shave your legs and armpits?”

“Whatever for, dear?”

“Just do this for me, Okay?”

Of course, razor blade companies were quick to pick up and exploit the trend. Prior to this, razors were marketed to men and men only. If a woman needed a razor it was because she was a slut. Otherwise she would just borrow her husband's. But now advertising screamed at women (and still does) that they need a silky, soft shave. That without shaving they are somehow not feminine. Meanwhile, all of the men who were used to the hookers they liked so much said “Oh, yeah, honey. You should definitely do what the commercial says."

Merkins are still used today, but they are primarily used by workers in the entertainment industry, adult or otherwise. Whenever a scene or bylaw requires that the genetalia be fully covered, the actress puts on a merkin to fool the spectator into believing he's seeing full nudity, when he is not.

Oddly enough, the roles have been reversed. Strippers and soft porn actresses are now wearing the merkins instead of the average woman. And average women are making sure their armpits are stubble-free instead of prostitutes doing it. These days, most street whores are worried about paying off their pimps and getting their next hit. They could care less if they have a shaved pussy or if it itches. That's what welfare health care is for.

So I ask this: For every woman who shaves her armpits...For every girl who goes for the pussy “landing strip” (which looks more like a Hitler mustache yelling “Ach du Scheide”)...For every lady who feels the need for a regular “Brazillian”...Isn't it good to know that you're doing it because your boyfriend thinks it makes you look more like a whore? Just like the ones dad used to enjoy!

And don't get me started on perfume and make-up.