After lurking on ebaums a few days ago, I started thinking about crap. Everyone I know must have a great story about the best/worst shit they've ever taken, but unfortunately I can't just go up to people asking what their most epic shit was, because for some reason people think shitting is "gross". So please, fellow ebaumers, describe (in graphic detail) the one dump you've taken that trumps all others. I'll go first.

The only food that I ate to create my demonic dump was about a dozen walnut cookies. Nothing special. What makes it unique is that I got constipated for about 3 days after eating them, so when I went to crap, I truly had an assload to get out. Everything would've been fine except that the walnuts weren't digested and were scraping along the inside of my large intestine. I can't fully explain how painful it was, but I can equate it to pooping out about 3 pounds of broken glass. I spent 30 minutes or so just preparing myself for what I knew had to come next, but when I finally started the dump, the pain was so bad that I actually tried to push the fudge package back into my rectum. I know this sounds gross but the pain was just too much. When I realized I couldn't fully get it back in there I readied myself and spent the next 45 minutes or so letting this mud baby loose. The plop it made when it fell into the toilet was one of the best sounds I've ever heard in my life, and I immediately thanked god to be rid of this monstrosity. When I went to wipe it was one of those "clean" poops that don't leave any residue, except for all the blood that those fucking walnuts had gotten out of me. The shit itself was a single log at least 9 inches long, I can't remember how wide, and it was crowned in many drops of dissipating blood. I flushed it, and vowed never to eat walnuts again.

True story.