So once again I am reminded that when I signed up to be a police officer it was not just normal citizens I signed on to help, I am also required to help stupid people as well.  When I was in the academy I heard all the preposterous stories that you could not make up and I believed them, yet they were hard to believe.  As the years have gone by I have experienced my share of stupidity and unbelievable events, so there is not much left out there in the world that can shock me or leave me speechless.  I still get fired up and get angry at humanity and all of its stupidity, but I have become numb to peoples behavior.

So here I am on routine patrol minding my own business (hiding and trying to avoid any problems that day) and I was dispatched to call a woman who stated she was being harassed by an imposter.  Imposter?  Imposter of what?  Anyway, I go to the station and call this woman.  She hems and haws and is very nervous, so I ask her to tell me about the imposter.  Well it turns out this woman recently started dating some guy on December 2, 2010 and they hit it off and immediately got into a hot and heavy physical relationship.  This woman goes into great detail and there is a lot of TMI being thrown at me, so I refocus the woman to the whole point of the phone call.  The woman tells me she text messages her boyfriend and talks to him by phone on a daily basis, except it has not been her boyfriend she had been speaking to on the phone.  What do you mean it had not been your boyfriend you have been speaking to?  The lady tells me it has been an unknown man calling her cell phone and pretending to be her boyfriend.  WTF!!???  How could you not know you were not speaking to your boyfriend?  She stated, Well, we really do not talk all that much when we are together and we do not talk on the phone, we just text and you know sometimes people sound different on the phone. (long pause) Hello?  Officer are you still there?  Hello?  Im sorry I was just removing this ice pick from my skull.  Excuse me?  I tell the lady to never mind and ask what she wants me to do.   Well naturally she wants me to track down this neer-do-well and exact justice.  For real? For what?  Naturally for pretending to be her boyfriend.  AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

It does not end.  It is approximately 0530 hours and I am sent to suspicious activity call.  A man out walking his dog spotted two young thugs walking from vehicle to vehicle looking in the windows and lifting up door handles. (vehicle burglars)  The good citizen is spotted as he calls 911 and the thugs take off running.  When we arrive on scene, we find to crappy skateboards, an axe and an empty bottle of cologne.  Nothing earth shattering, but evidence of a crime.  So we track down the vehicle, which happened to be a pick-up truck and we knock on the door of the home owner but there is no answer.  I ask dispatch to look up a phone number, they find one and we track down the owner.  He and his family are out of town, I explain the situation and tell him we have returned his property.  Hooray for the good guys, right? WRONG!!!!!  The next day I am dragged upstairs to OPS (Office of Professional Standards) and they want to know why I illegally went onto someones property and stole items out of the back of a pick-up truck.  Of course I start to laugh, because I think it is a big joke.  Oh no!  No joke here!  You're in serious trouble mister!  Mister, whoa this is serious.  I immediately become angry and let them know through a series of profanities and sailor cursing words just how upset I am.  Through the course of my yelling and foul language I manage to get out the real story and the investigators decide maybe they should check the call history to see if there was actually a burglary call.  The investigators do this and verify a crime did occur, but it was not committed by me.  But, now that they are embarrassed, the investigators feel the need to lecture me on the particulars of the call.  Why didn't you impound the property for safe keeping rather than put it back in the truck?  Why did you call the owners at such an early hour?  Why...... HOLD  ON ASSHOLES!!!!  (That was me yelling again) You two fuckheads do not even have 10 years experience between the two of you, so don't even start telling me how to do my job.  Secondly I did nothing wrong and because you two retards cannot even run a basic rookie investigation you lose face and try to salvage something out this because as it turns out I did nothing wrong and you two were hoping to nail a dirty veteran officer.  Well they started to yell back and we almost came to blows, but their Sgt. walked in and calmed things down.  When everything was done I went back out to the house and took the recovered items, placed them back in the bushes and left a map for the home owner so he can find them when he returns from vacation.

True story.