Oct 17 '01The Bottom Line Horny Goat Weed is the best thing to happen to 7-11 since the Slurpee. I spend a lot of time at 7-11. I feel comfortable there. So the other night, the lady in front of me is arguing with the clerk--something about a lottery ticket--and I'm trying not to notice. A button has popped off the front of her flowered blouse from Target, revealing the rolls that cover where her belly button must be, and I'm looking around for something to distract me. Pushing my Coors Light and Hostess Ho Hos in the general direction of the clerk, I notice something on the counter. It is a small package, about the same size as a pack of baseball cards. There is a picture of a super hot babe in a lime green swim suit on the package. She is my kind of gal: 40-26-36, and sultry. I read the label on the package: HORNY GOAT WEED. The jiggling woman with the missing button is yelling at the clerk now, and I try to picture her smiling face on TV as a million dollar winner, but the image doesn't catch. I return to the label. In smaller print, it says: For Men and Women. Beneath the hot babe, it reads: When in Need Try This Weed! Elsewhere, it says: Brings Out the Animal in You! I pick up the package and squeeze it. There are two small caplets inside. The clerk shakes his head and then gives me a knowing look, his AC/DC tattoo flexing as he reaches for my Ho Hos. He had noticed the Weed in my hand. The lottery lady shoves her way through the front door. On the back of the package, the text reads: Used by ancient Chinese and Japanese to increase sexual desire and arousal. I'm neither ancient or Chinese, but I realize this product is for me. Ms Horswispr is due home soon, and I want to give her that something special on this evening. For extra strength, I add one of those rotating corn dogs to my purchase. And the HORNY GOAT WEED, which costs only $1.99 for two caplets. At home, I read the directions: Take two caplets one hour before sex. I take both caplets with my first Coors Light and settle in to watch some WWF. The plot is pretty lame, with the same referee getting clocked by a chair as the night before, so my attention starts to wander. I read the back of the package: Increases hormone production, dilates capillaries, improves mood... I don't know what capillaries are, but I know this is going to be a great night. I can feel the stuff surging through my body even as I sit there. And then: there she is, home from work, her hair hanging over her face just like the girls in my Maxim magazine. Her lips are parted just a bit. I am ready. I try to say, "Hey Baby, take those clothes off," but my lips won't form the words. This is what comes out instead: Had we but world enough, and time, This coyness, lady, were no crime. We would sit down, and think which way To walk, and pass our long love's day. Two hundred years to adore each breast But thirty thousand to the rest! "Oooh, Andrew Marvell!" she coos, taking off her shirt and revealing her pert breasts. "But the addition of the word 'years' messes up the iambic meter." She pouts. Iambic meter? Andrew Marvell? I have no idea what she is talking about, but her pout looks SO cute, if you know what I mean. I take her in my arms. She spins away. I pick up my guitar and try to play one of my hottest Night Ranger licks, but my hands won't cooperate. This weird classical sounding stuff comes out of my guitar. "Oooh, Bach. BWV 996 in e-minor. Mmmm." Her pants melt away and she is on my bed, limp and naked, her head down, her eyes looking up at me. What the hell is this stuff? I think to myself. Two hours later, her head buried in my shoulder, she mumbles: "Mmmm...Ummm...Emmm...M is for Mercy...M is for My Oh My...M is for Multiple..." and then, reaching beneath the covers, "M is for Monster!" She'd never talked like this before. "You're not going to compare my penis to a salted slug, like women usually do?" I ask. "Mmmm" is all she says. "Was I...er...somehow different tonight?" "Mmmm." I don't know what's in this Horny Goat Weed, but I think I'll be giving them lots of business. The ingredients are: some kind of bark, some kind of seed, two words with too many syllables for me to pronounce, and 525 mg of Horny Goat Formula. It must be the Horny Goat Formula. Next time I go to 7-11, my buddy gives me another of those knowing man-to-man looks as I grab three more packages. "This is the third box of the stuff I've put out" he says. "Where's your girlfriend?" I say. "Sheeit," he says, when he realizes who I'm talking about. "I thought she was going to kick my a$$." We both laugh. I love 7-11. In conclusion, I can honestly say that I've never encountered a dietary supplement that did more for my sex life than Horny Goat Weed. I can think of no better complement to Coors Light and 7-11 corn dogs. Note: Some of this review may be fiction, but the checker at 7-11 really did say "This is the third box of the stuff I've put out" when I politely asked him if people actually buy Horny Goat Weed. Horny Goat Weed is made by the Hammer Corporation, Atlanta, GA.