My pee turned orange the other day.  I'd been taking vitamins by suggestion due to my stress.  I figured that was the problem.  I stopped taking them, but my pee remained orange. 

"Maybe my douchebag wife infected me with clap the last time we had sex."

So I hopped in the car, went to urgent care, and pissed in a cup.

Nope, no bacteria at all.  He said my biliruben levels were high.  There's likely something wrong with my liver.  He said the whites of my eyes were slightly yellow.

"What do you think it is, doc?"

"Well, maybe mono, hepatitis, or cancer.  Do you have a history of cancer?"

"My maternal grandfather died of liver cancer.  Hepatitis?  Like B or C?  I've had a vaccination for B."

"It could be A, B, or C.  It could be nothing, but we need to do some tests."

They took six vials of blood.  It's not a problem with my red blood cells.  I'm not anemic.  My electrolytes and kidney function are normal.  No elevated white blood cells.

I won't find out about the hepatitis, mono, or cancer tests until tomorrow.  Guess who's not sleeping a wink tonight.

Seriously, fuck my life.

What kind of karmic load am I paying off?  Is this what I get for living a charmed life for decades?  Losing my home.  Losing my asshole wife.  My kids are already fucking traumatized.  Now I've got something wrong with a vital organ.