I'm a pretty nice guy generally but I have this anger management issue when it comes to McDonald's fucking up my order. I think it stems from the fact that, in the first place, when I eat at McDonald's I feel dirty as if I've just visited a hooker on the way to my son's Christmas play. (Something that hardly happens anymore, I might add.)

Regardless of how infrequently I visit The Arches, or how simple my order, I never really receive what I ordered. It could be that English is always the second language of the drive-thru guy. My guess is that they see me coming and purposely shit-fuck my request to gather surveillance footage of my childish rants while in the throes of a McTantrum. I turn into a dick when there is no egg on my Sausage EGG fucking McMuffin.

I once called and asked to speak with a manager to bitch about a muffed muffin order. Of course, no matter WHO answers the phone they always say that they are the manager. It diverts what they KNOW will be complaint call away from their boss. I began to relate just how inept the employees were when the four-letter words spewed uncontrollably from my mouth.

"Sir, eep jou estop sayin dem bad words and come here we make de food over for you," Maria told me in an accent thicker than cold refried beans, to which I replied that I was on my F***break F*** time and didn't have F*** time to go back to their F*** place.

Senorita hung up on me. I waited 10min and called back and Maria answered. I used to do improv so I spoke in a female character voice, "Hi, this is Janice Moorehead from the Dept. if Immigration and Naturalization and it's come to our attention that you have several undocumented workers under your employment..."

"Ahhhhh joo gonna hab to call back when a manager is here..." was her reply.

I swore a LOT at her and she hung up on me again. Perhaps an hour on the doctor's couch would help me understand why I get so pissed off at McDonald's. I have other stories about Mickie-Dees as well but I'll save you the boredom. Bye for now.