By Lynn

I know what you’re thinking. Oh great, some dick is going to try to make fun of women drivers. Well, you’re right I am and I don’t even need to try.

Let’s get into some numbers shall we!

According to statistics from motor vehicle sites all over the country:

Men are 30 percent more likely than women to get into an accident.

Men are 13 percent more likely than women to get a ticket.

Men are 3 times more likely than women to kill themselves behind the wheel.

Men also lead women 3 to 1 in DUI violations.

All of this and we are not even the majority of drivers on the road…

Now calm your tiny hundred pound, can’t open pickles by yourself, scared of caterpillars ass down. I don’t care for your attitude. Let me get to my point, dollface.

Men are nuts. We drive fast and most of the time have been drinking because we have to listen to your bitching seven days out of the week.

I’m not here to show women that they statistically suck at driving. I’m here to show you that you obviously suck at driving.

How? You may ask. Again with the attitude…

Well, when I was a young and impressionable child I rode around a lot with my dad, who ironically turned out to be a driving instructor later in life, and a damn good one at that. We were on our way to pick up his check one day. He worked at a boarding school and they had fences all around the premises. There were only two ways into the school and you had to wait for an automated gate to let you in, so people wouldn’t speed and to keep randoms from entering at night. Anyway, as we approached the main gate there was a police officer waving us in and around the scene of an accident. Now here is exactly what I saw. Someone had run directly into the gate drove through it with it still stuck to the front of their car and drove the gate in a perfect U shape over a curb through some grass and back into the fence that the gate was attached to. The officer smiled as he looked in our window and waved us by. My dad paused and looked at the culprit. A pretty little brunette in a pantsuit talking on a cell phone, one of those big ass ones that needed a personal satellite in space to talk on. My dad looked her right in the eyes.

“Yep, I knew it” he said as he drove away.

 Now I was curious as to what that meant?

“What happened?” I asked.

“Well, first off it kills me to see that. Second, I just don’t understand? When you first hit the gate, why not put on the breaks? When you start pushing the gate, why not put on the breaks? When you collide with the curb, why not put on the breaks? When all four tires are jumping over the curb, why not put on the breaks? When in the grass and pushing the gate towards the fence, why not put on the breaks? When crashed into the fence and no longer even moving, why not put on the breaks? Did you notice the grass and dirt thrown all over from the wheels spinning out in place? Only a woman could do that…” he said profoundly.

I hadn’t even noticed. I mean I was like ten. I didn’t know anything about driving, the rules of the road or how bat shit crazy women could be while behind the wheel of 2,000+ pounds of steel and combustible fluids.

So ever since that day, I’ve been taking tabs on you crazy whores. Whenever I see a fender bender, a red light runner, a T-bone in a residential intersection or a merge into the side of a moving vehicle it has truly been about 50/50 male /female.

But…

Whenever the car is in a ditch, on top of a sign, in a fence, stuck on a curb, in the powerlines or upside down… Upfuckinside down… How the hell do you flip a car upside down all by your goofy ass self?

And that is the difference. Woman are 99.9 percent involved in accidents with just their fucking selves or inanimate objects. A dude wrecks and it’s because he is distracted with what his woman DOESN’T want to eat for dinner and took some crystal meth to help him deal with the struggle of for some reason needing that soft skinned demon in his life. A damn woman flips a car into the fuckin city pool because why? She was trying to upload a Snapchat while drinking a latté and going 70+mph in a Humvee.

Just look at the statistics on your local news. If there is an accident where someone drives (without applying the breaks) through someone’s home living room on Christmas morning: It was either someone who had a medical condition/emergency, was foaming at the mouth with rabies, naked and on Bath Salts, drank 75 beers, was being attacked by local wildlife or a woman…

Now I understand there are exceptions to this theory, sometimes the woman might have an empty box of wine in the baby’s car seat where their child had once been thirty minutes prior…

Or I guess one could go as far as to say that they might have witnessed a sober man involved in a crash containing only himself? I mean maybe that could be a basis for arguing the whole Genderfluid thing in this case?

 Anyway…

My own damn wife wrecked by herself. I know it’s shocking… I am married, it’s true... She has heard me rant all day and night about how dumb woman are and how if we didn’t need them to procreate we would make them fight to the death in a battle arena solely for our entertainment. She has heard me rant about woman’s terrible driving so much I’m surprised she hasn’t run off with a cardboard cutout of Chris Hemsworth by now, but she would always respond to my rants with: “yeah, woman are stupid” and “at least I will never do anything like that” as I continuously pointed out woman-only crashes on the side of the road.

Then it happened.

She was alone and had only been on the road for about six months and was looking for a new street, as she drove past many streets looking at the names for her turnoff, eureka! She saw her street! Unfortunately it was as the sign was at her passenger side door and she was going the full speed limit. But hey! Who gives a shit! And turned anyway? Her car didn’t do a sick two wheeled backwards Tokyo drift like I’m assuming she had envisioned would happen in her mind, no, she drove directly into the curb going 40mph… laters front axle!

My mom drove off a cliff with all of her children inside the car… I guess there was black ice, so she can have a pass on this one, even though my dad told her to stay home because it was icy.

Since there are no battle arenas, yet, we kinda need you crazy broads. So, ladies put down the phones and the coffees and the eyeliner and the Chalupa Supremes and put on the damn breaks for God’s sake. Please. And dudes, would it kill us to slow the hell down and quit drinkin behind the wheel?