A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.--Demitri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal.--Demitri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.--Steve Martin

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.--Bill Cosby

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.--George Carlin

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.-- Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.-- W.C. Fields

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.-- Mae West

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.                      -- Marty Feldman

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!-- Drew Carey

When I came here, I couldn't speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish.-- Julio Iglesias

Sex is a two-way treat.-- Franklin P Jones

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.-- Dave Letterman

I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie.-- Sting

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.-- Noel Coward

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?-- Benny Hill

A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone.-- Robert Frost

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.-- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.-- Abraham Lincoln

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.-- Chris Rock

Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!-- Ricky Gervais

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.-- Elayne Boosler

He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it.-- T. S. Eliot (on Henry James)

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.-- Edgar Wallace (I don't know about this one)

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.  --Unknown