It's that time again...I just finished wrapping the last of the Christmas presents.  I got a few calls inviting me to New Years Eve shindigs.  I bought a 2010 calendar.  Something about this time of year has always been equally harrowing and hopeful for me: I get to think about the way a year can change things.  It's always been a time to tally up my blessings and figure out how I can get more of them. My first instinct this year, however, is to gauge how badly this year has beaten me up.  But I can't let that happen.  If I focused on the effects that tearing up the American dream have had on me, the searing brand of learning that my beautiful 3 year old will never live a normal life, the tattoo of poor health with a chaotic but preventable etiology, I'd be kissing a Smith and Wesson at the stroke of midnight.

Unfortunately, I'm not the type to make superficial resolutions and keep them just because I happened to make them at the start of the year.  I don't have any intention of joining an office pool to see who can create the smallest carbon footprint.  I don't really care to lose 40 lbs. and I fully recognize that quitting smoking right now would be futile, so I'm going deeper in the hope that I can fix myself from the inside out.  I'm going back to nursing theory for treating infected wounds and applying it to my soul.  I need to identify the corrosive elements in my life and wick them out with fresh, sterile material.  I have gone over my year with a fine tooth comb in search of clarity and motivation.  I have tried to be practical.  I have prayed that it will work.  My revelations carve resolutions.  My resolations are as follows:

1.  Impetuous Fun- I used to be the kind of person who could find fun and humor in everything.  I once lost it because someone told me it was annoying.  Fuck him.  I want it back.

2.  Inner Beauty- If nothing else, this year has been an improvement in physical beauty.  I lost 3 babies worth of flab and I'm back to about the size I was before I had kids.  Unfortunately, I feel that I unconsciously compromised some of my more permanent assets in the process.  I've got to make time to do things for the people I love and care about.  I've got to quit being resentful about my responsibilities.  I want to do more than the bare minimum.  I want to give something when there is no promise of reciprocity, because that is when I always get more in return than I could ever hope for.

3.  Decisiveness-  Most of my mental anguish is caused by the fact that I am torn between two evils (or occasionally two goods or two neutrals).  I spend years pondering and weighing the benefits and costs.  Meanwhile, nothing is solved. Problems snowball.  I just have to accept that life is full of unfair, heartbreaking choices, none of which are easy.  But, a life spent living in fear of a poor choice is a wasted life. This will be the hardest one for me to keep, but I think it will bring me the most peace if I carry it out.

4.  Honesty-  I have spent too much of my life tying myself in knots, trying to be appealing to everyone.  Trying to impress everyone and gain acceptance and love.  It's only taken me 26 years to realize that is impossible.  There are things about me that will disgust some people, cause them to judge me, make them write me off forever.  It's human nature and I'm not going to try to conform to the ideal standard of every person that I meet anymore.  While I'm not going to try to offend you, I'm not going to lie about who I am, and if that puts you off, so be it.  I'm sensitive, I'm a shitty housekeeper, I talk to everyone informally, I hate driving, I don't always turn the other cheek, and I think I deserve a better situation than what I have now.  If you disagree with any of that or anything else about me, fine.  It would be nice if you could see past it, but if not, that's okay too.  There are too many people in the world to worry about one opinion.  Besides, there's probably lots of shit about you that I don't like.

5.  Optimism- I'm going to look on the bright side from now on.  That's another thing I used to do all the time before someone talked me out of it.  I realize that I am still going to face overwhelming challenges, but I think a new outlook will keep me moving past them.

I really don't know why I wrote all this down.  I guess I feel like if people know my intentions, I'll be more likely to carry them out.  Maybe I just wanted to clear my head and look my best interests in the eye.  So thank you for reading and I promise that my next blog will be full of lighthearted anecdotes about my sister's F cup boobs and my crush on my professor.