By the way, the title was supposed to be:  Sex (sort of) with giant swollen, black balls while having a giant blood blister on the side of my dick.

I knew it was going to happen sooner rather than later.  I didn't know how deep my depravity went though.  My wife is in training for a new job.  She was seen texting me during her training and it's been suggested that she's been over tired for the training.  Sunday, she sequestered herself off from the family and really prepared for this week.  There wasn't much I could do to help her.  It required a lot of specialized clinical knowledge I didn't have.  I ordered pizza for the kids and kept them from bothering her.  I packed my ruined junk into a jockstrap and I'm icing it down for twenty minutes at a time now (20-on, 20-off). 

I had told my wife that she should budget time to spend with me before she went to bed.  I didn't have anything perverse in mind, I just didn't feel really connected with my wife.

When it was time for bed, I could tell my wife didn't think she was done with her work.  She was stressed out.  When I asked if there was anything I could do to help, she told me there wasn't.  I suggested that a giant, toe curling orgasm might do her some good.  She pointed out that my junk was wrecked.  I pointed out that her junk wasn't wrecked.  Also, she had just gotten waxed.

We've got a giant purple dildo.  It's made of silicone and is easy to use.  Since my wife is a weirdo about penetration, I'll use the dildo on her when I go down on her.  The dildo is a BIT large though.  It's a little larger in diameter than I but about the same length.  It's not a casual toy.  She decided that we weren't going to use it.

That's fine.  I'm adaptable.  My back up plan was something I often do when we 69.  My wife isn't shy about anal.  But lubrication and sanitary issues often stop spontaneous ass-play.  I've used an alternate method to get the ass involved without penetration.  Sometimes women will have no idea what the hell you're doing to them. 

In 69 position, laying on your sides:  insert your right thumb into vagina, fingers pointing towards her asshole.  This allows you to get uninterrupted access to clit and surrounding features with your mouth.  With your thumb inside and your forefinger outside, you can push around and manipulate the ring of muscle makes up her asshole.  She gets oral stimulation, vaginal stimulation, and you get the asshole involved in a novel way that doesn't require extra lube or much cross contamination.  Some women can only handle/need a little bit to really get off.  With some women, they'll have you going at it like you're plucking strings on a bass guitar.

So this is where I'm going with my wife.  The good news is that not only is this method sexy, it usually gets results in fairly short order.  There's a whole litany of naughtiness that my wife usually engages in when we 69 that she would do better describing than I.  But since I was ruined, she wasn't reciprocating.  She was laying back and enjoying.  But out of the logistics of what I was doing, my mangled junk was basically right in her face.

At my wife's exclamation, I looked down.  I had gotten a massive, blackish-purple boner with a blood blister on the side.  The blood blister mostly flattened out with the erection.  I've got a fair sized dick, but with all of the swelling, it looked gargantuan.  My wife is a big fan of penis.  She's a looker for sure.  There's a data table in her head with every penis she's ever seen on it.  She asks me if it hurts.  No it didn't.  My balls still did.  But my actual member felt fine.  She started asking me whether or not all sorts of things hurt.  At some point, we were actually having sex.

When I came, my wife commented "Well, at least is doesn't have any blood in it."

It was at that moment that I realized that she had been going to town on me, calculating the odds that my ejaculate would actually have blood in it due to the terrible status of my balls.  She'd already come, so I was fucking with her:  "So, would it have been bright red blood?  Or old brown blood?  Would the entire ejaculate have been bloody?  Or would it have started off okay and just been straight blood at the end?  Most importantly, would it still feel like coming when blood was coming out?"

It wasn't one of my proudest moments.  But at least I know the plumbing still works.