Sometimes bedroom antics can get a little crazy between married couples.

I had been dating my wife for 5 years before I popped the question. I knew that she was the one for me, because even by that point sex with her never got old. Granted, a blowjob from her is like a blood diamond..... you find only a scant few in a lifetime, but you treasure each moment when such a rarity actually occurs.

So you can imagine my surprise when, coming back from a wedding while COMPLETELY bombed out of our skulls, she had the bright idea to do a little role-playing.

The theme being exotic animals.

I was feeling a little under the weather by that point since I was still drunk and it was 2:30 in the morning. But who was I to turn down such a rare and wonderful request from the woman I've known and loved for nearly 6 years?

I laid down in our bed as I waited for her to put whatever skimpy outfit she decided to wear. Of course, when my head hit the mattress the Earth slid completely off its axis and I had to steady myself. My eyes focused long enough to find my wife crawling slowly towards me in a thin nightgown, her nipples peeking out at me from the thin material.

Her body moved with only one purpose.... her shoulder blades and hips' exaggerated movements had my complete and undivided attention.

"Can you guess what I am?" She purred in my ear.

My back arched as my tigress slid her body down mine, her nails lightly scratching my chest along the way. I quickly ignored the rumbling in my stomach and focused only on the sexual euphoria my body so desperately needed telling myself that I would NOT ruin this moment by getting up for a break.

"How about me?" She groaned as she began to play with herself as I lightly flicked the end of her clit with my tongue making small hissing noises against her inner thighs.

I couldn't contain myself any longer. I flipped her over and brought her into me doggystyle. Christ, she was really into this. Her ass was moving in and out in time with every thrust. I could feel myself begin to lose control as she made small yelps to stay in character.

Suddenly, at our greatest climax, God decided that he no longer ever wanted me to have good sex ever again. As if by some horrible divine intervention, my body lost control and my hands flew back to catch everything as I began to shit all over myself.

It was horrible. The stench of half-digested pork and beer farts pervaded every fiber of my being. It wasn't even the good kind of shit that could be the slightest bit satisfying to release from your body..... no, it was a burning half-solid two-flush corn-log that emptied all at once into my hands.

I pinched off this horrible loaf once my body was able to recover enough to stop what was happening.

"Baby, what- WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?" She began to scream.

"I..... I-I'm not....." I stammered.

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT!! Clean yourself up and sleep on the couch. Christ, I can't even LOOK at you! Who the fuck do you think you are!?"

She was kicking me out? What the fuck? I should be getting an olympic fucking medal for that catch. Who the fuck do I think I am!?

I let my hands drop everything all over her pillow, and I flicked the rest all over her back. After throwing feces at your wife, there's only one appropriate magical thing to say:

"Couldn't you guess? I'm a fucking monkey, bitch."