I was out of town this past weekend…I had fun, ate some chicken, frozen yogurt, watched a movie, etc. But after a fun filled weekend it was time for me to return home. Little did I know the fun had just begun. I arrived at the airport, checked my bag and claimed my boarding pass. I had become quite familiar with airport security since 9/11 and was scanning the boarding pass for any “irregularities”. Sure enough, there they were, the dreaded four S’s. You might be unacquainted with the four S’s but me and the S’s have developed a special relationship. When ever you claim your ticket look anywhere on the ticket for "SSSS"

That means you’ve been “randomly” selected for special security screening. I’ve been “randomly” selected so many times that I’m pretty sure their taking bets on me in Vegas. In the last 4-5 years I haven’t once returned to Chicago without being sent through “special security”. Am I on someone’s watch list or something ?

So after security put on their rubber gloves, squeezed my testicles and grouped my ass, it was time for me to board but first I had to get something to eat. I hadn’t eaten all day but luckily there was a McDonalds next to my gate. Mickey D’s isn’t exactly my food of choice but I was starving and that value meal was looking, yum, yum, yum in my tum, tum, tum. I know that eating McDonalds before take off isn’t the best idea but I was too nervous to hear my conscience screaming at me. I dont have a traditional fear of flying but I board every flight assuming its gonna fall out of the sky, its important to set your expectations.

About an hour into the flight I feel a rumble in my stomach, I ignore it until it becomes a sharp pain and suddenly I’m rocking side to side in severe agony. I realize I have to get rid of this demon spawn in my stomach so I reach to unbuckle my seat belt and run for the bathroom when an announcement comes on the intercom…

“Ladies and Gentlemen this is your Captain speaking, please remain seated until we remove the seatbelt sign. We’re heading into some turbulence and we’ll need you to stay in your seat until it passes, thank you.”

This isn’t happening to me!. If I dont go to the bathroom right now I’m gonna die of a ruptured stomach or shit on myself! I have to just go for it, what are they gonna do about it? Is some stewardess gonna spear tackle me like Terry Tate in the middle of the aisle? I don’t think so, I’m getting up! Thats when the turbulence got really bad, I knew there was no way I could safely walk to the bathroom, I was stranded in seat 19A. “Damn you McDonalds”, I knew it was their fault, what did they feed me!? Was an alien about to burst through my stomach? It felt like an eternity and then, “DING”, seatbelt sign turns off and I pull a Carl Lewis style hurdle over my arm rest and sprint down to the bathroom. I squeeze myself into that tiny 2ft x 2ft bathroom and let it out, I disrespected that toilet! My ass was like the opposite end of a wood chipper! It took time though and about half way through the process I heard the seat belt sign turn on again, “DING”…

“This is your Captain, prepare for turbulence”

The turbulence was really rough this time, I could hear the engines struggling, I was getting bounced around in that bathroom and for a moment I was sure the plane was going down. “This is it!” Was this my fate, dead on the toilet? Can you imagine the crash scene? Luggage, engine parts and bodies thrown all over some field in Nebraska and me in the middle of the mess, face down with my pants around my ankles… a roll of toilet paper still clenched in my hand. The detective would call everyone around, “hey look at this sorry bastard!” And they would all have a good laugh at my expense.

 It eventually stopped long enough for me to finish my business and I exited the bathroom. Everyone was looking over their shoulders at me like, “Was he in the bathroom that whole time?” How embarrassing! I’m still alive though, the plane landed without incident and I cant wait for the next fun filled flying experience.