I am a superhero. I wear a polyester-cotton mix top with some glitter-glue on it. I help old women cross the street just for the off-chance that I get laid. The filler in my speedo starts to slip out, so it looks like I'm running around helping old women cross the street with a semi hanging out of my pants. I smile at the nice police-men as they walk by, telling them that it is because I have a fifth sense to alert me whenever a street needs crossing.

One day, I was about to help a rather attractive old woman cross the street when another one approached me from behind. My dick immediately slipped out of my speedo as she asked me to give her gash a rub with some moist cream. I gladly obliged, and found that there were quite a few loose kernals down there. I decided to give her a hand with that, too, so I proceeded to lick all of the little buggers away to make it nice and clean. The woman who I was previously helping turned around and slipped a finger inside of my then-exposed asshole.

"Why, that's against my religion!", I told the beautiful wench.

"Shut the fuck up, you cock-sucking menstrual gape", she then proceeded to tell me.

To make a long story short, the three of us had quite a jolly old time in the hobo jungle down in the subway. There were some problems with labia falling off (their skin is like delicious tissue paper), and I don't exactly enjoy dining on beef curtains, but I would say that it was the highlight of my day!

And the moral of the story: Always where pants-stuffers when helping the elderly cross the street; you never know when it will get you some hot action.