Confucius Say A Penis is the only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle. Confucius Say A relationship is the opportunity to do something you hate with someone you love. Confucius Say The inventor of shag carpet made a big pile. Confucius Say Some Sex Is Good...More Is Better...Too Much Is Just About Right Confucius Say A Tattoo is permanent proof of temporary insanity. Confucius Say The Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings. Confucius Say A Magazine is a bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue. Confucius Say A Cannibal is person who likes to see other people stewed. Confucius Say An Optimist is a girl who regards a bulge as a curve. Confucius Say A Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death. Confucius Say A penis has a hole in the end so men can be open minded. Confucius Say Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea how she'll be in bed. Confucius Say Man with five dicks will have pants that fit like a glove. Confucius Say It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you. Confucius Say To reuse a condom, turn it inside out and shake the f*ck out of it Confucius Say Men screw with dicks; women screw with minds. Confucius Say Masturbation is a solo played on a private organ. Confucius Say Mother's Day comes nine months after father's day. Confucius Say A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise. Confucius Say It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you're done. Confucius Say Killing two birds with one stone often ends with hate mail from the humane society. Confucius Say The best way to save face, is to keep the lower part of it shut. Confucius Say To make a long story short, don't tell it. Confucius Say Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction. Confucius Say A giraffe's family reunion is called "necks of kin." Confucius Say A man is only as faithful as his options. Confucius Say A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. Confucius Say Never argue with a fool...he may be doing the same thing. Confucius Say The best way to keep your word is not to give it. Confucius Say A man's last will and testiment is a dead give away. Confucius Say When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Confucius Say Bad singers break into song because they can't find the key. Confucius Say The wise speak when they have something to say, the fools speak when they have to say something. Confucius Say If you worry about yesterday's failures, todays successes will be few. Confucius Say A Rubix cube is like a penis. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets. Confucius Say The greatest fault is to be conscious of none. Confucius Say He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot. Confucius Say A woman can humiliate any man by simply saying "Hold my purse." Confucius Say An Egotist a person more interested in himself than in me. Confucius Say When solving problems, dig at the roots instead of hacking at the leaves. Confucius Say The best time to go to the dentist is tooth hurty. Confucius Say ArtifIcial Insemination is procreation without recreation. Confucius Say The useless skin around a penis is called "a man". Confucius Say Pubic hair is just organic dental floss. Confucius Say It is better to lose a lover than love a loser. Confucius Say A single fact can ruin a good argument. Confucius Say An Arch Criminal is one who robs shoe stores. Confucius Say The best way for university student to turn their life completly around is to get 90 degrees. Confucius Say The worst thing about oral sex is the view Confucius Say An old grave digger is called an Elderberry Confucius Say A gay gentleman from the Deep South is called a homo-sex-y'all Confucius Say A Greek tampon is called "Abzorba the Leak." Confucius Say Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps its mouth shut. Confucius Say Well done is better than well said. Confucius Say Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out. Confucius Say New York manufacturer of gentlemen's headwear is called "Manhatten". Confucius Say Homosexuals don't play chess because they don't want to sacrifice a Queen. Confucius Say Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. Confucius Say Those who get to big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Confucius Say The quietest place in the world is the complaint department at a parachute packing plant. Confucius Say Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. Confucius Say A good woman will do 70 chores around the house. Cooking and 69. Confucius Say A vagina is like a very small hotel. One must leave his bag outside. Confucius Say A Platonic Relationship develops after two good friends are tired of screwing each other. Confucius Say A chicken is the result of a sitting hen, while a baby is the result of standing cock. Confucius Say Man with one foot on 'yesterday' and one foot on 'tomorrow' will end up pissing on 'today'. Confucius Say Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy Confucius Say When one man rub lotion on another man, it is called "Men-Gay". Confucius Say Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, dosen't know if he's coming or going. Confucius Say If a bulldog and a shitsu are mated, it would be called a "bullshit". Confucius Say Jamaican proctologist is called "Pokemon". Confucius Say Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others. Confucius Say Flatulence is the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Confucius Say Man who mix Rogaine with Viagra will end up hard headed. Confucius Say Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them. Confucius Say The difference between a dog and a fox is about five drinks. Confucius Say Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. Confucius Say Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you. Confucius Say A clean tie will attract the soup of the day. Confucius Say A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked. Confucius Say A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight. Confucius Say A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Confucius Say A Politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. Confucius Say If woman meets a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift, she should exchange him. Confucius Say A practical nurse is one who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient. Confucius Say A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other. Confucius Say A smile is like tight underwear ... it makes your cheeks go up. Confucius Say A humorous question on an exam is called "Testicle". Confucius Say Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. Confucius Say To get an Irishman to climb on the roof, tell him that the drinks are on the house Confucius Say Man with a lisp will walk with a Lymph. Confucius Say Woman who come to bed wearing nothing but running shoes, wants to have marathon session. Confucius Say At a nudist wedding, you don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is. Confucius Say A Church's bills are always "Due unto others" Confucius Say Egghead is what Mrs. Dumpty gives Humpty Confucius Say A verbal outburst during the male orgasm is called "Sperm Wail". Confucius Say Prostitute who likes bondage is usually strapped for cash. Confucius Say For every woman with a curve, there are several men with angles. Confucius Say Never marry a woman with big hands. It will make your dick look smaller Confucius Say The only thing divorce proves is whose mother was right in the first place. Confucius Say A vigorous masturbation session is called "Hand to Gland Combat". Confucius Say An airplane girl is a blonde who has a black box Confucius Say Gay dinosaur is called Mega-sor-ass. Confucius Say A flying saucer will appear when a nudist spills his coffee Confucius Say To get rid of unwanted pubic hair, one must spit. Confucius Say A prostitute with a degree in psychology will blow your mind. Confucius Say Always wear Stealth condoms...they'll never see you coming. Confucius Say A transvestite is a man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. Confucius Say Amish woman's secret fantasy is two Mennonite. Confucius Say When a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows, there will be udder destruction. Confucius Say Best way to cure water on the brain is with a tap on the head. Confucius Say A drunk who works at an upholstery shop is a recovering alcoholic Confucius Say Man who finds job at crystal ball company will make a fortune. Confucius Say A butler with no teeth is called an in-dentured servant. Confucius Say Man who want to catch a bra, should set a boobie trap. Confucius Say Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses. Confucius Say If You look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products. Confucius Say Virgin like balloon...one prick, all gone. Confucius Say A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view. Confucius Say Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. Confucius Say Forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying. Confucius Say You know you are a geek when you look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font." Confucius Say Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car. Confucius Say Men are like spray paint. One squeeze and they're all over you. Confucius Say Couple who cross LSD with birth control pills, get a trip without the kids. Confucius Say To circumcise a whale, send down four skin divers. Confucius Say An award winning dentist will be given a little plaque Confucius Say The opening in the front of your boxer shorts is called the "Circumvent". Confucius Say A bachelor is man who never makes the same mistake once. Confucius Say Never tell a secret to a pig, it may squeal. Confucius Say Man who give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach will "Abdicate". Confucius Say Man who is impotent will have Willy-nilly. Confucius Say Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is "Negligent" Confucius Say When wife complain too much about no magic in marriage, husband will disappear. Confucius Say It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents. Confucius Say Gay man in Chinese restaurant will order "sum yung guy". Confucius Say The difference between pink and purple, is your grip. Confucius Say The worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary is morning sickness. Confucius Say Rudolph was grounded after his dad saw his report card because he went down in history. Confucius Say Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a rise. Confucius Say A kiss on the lips is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise. Confucius Say Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty. Confucius Say 12 months of drinking low-calorie beer is 1 Lite year. Confucius Say Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter is Eskimo Pi Confucius Say Women and rocks are very much alike. We skip the flat ones. Confucius Say Police will arrest a transvestite, and charge him with male fraud. Confucius Say Marriage is like taking a bath... after you've been in it for a while, it isn't so hot. Confucius Say Learn to masturbate--come in handy. Confucius Say People are like teabags - you don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water. Confucius Say Pedophiles love Halloween because of "Free home delivery". Confucius Say One who lacks the courage to start has already finished. Confucius Say The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge. Confucius Say If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep. Confucius Say Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important. Confucius Say Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. Confucius Say Action may not always bring happiness; but there is not happiness without action." Confucius say: Man in shower playing with tool not necessarily plumber. Confucius Say Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow. Confucius Say Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one. Confucius Say The white powder found on your penis after a blind date is called Handthrax Confucius Say The best way to get a woman to argue with you, is to say something. Confucius Say It's not what you wear, it's how you take it off. Confucius Say Taliban's national bird is "duck" Confucius Say Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone, both look out window and see Rubble Confucius Say An Impotent Loser is one who can't even get his hopes up. Confucius Say "Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy.Ask waitress for application." Confucius Say "Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck." Confucius Say Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan." Confucius Say Gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy much alike. Both can smell it, but they can't eat it. Confucius Say Food that goes rotten while being transported to the store is "un-pallet-able". Confucius Say It's not how deep you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm. Confucius Say Dry cleaner who is in a hurry for a date, will be pressed for time. Confucius Say When Indian Chief Shortcake died, squaw bury Shortcake Confucius Say The difference between wives and husbands is, Wives want to videotape the birth of their child. Husbands want to videotape the conception. Confucius Say Man who checks out woman's package, dosen't always work for UPS. Confucius Say Mummys who take vacation, will relax and unwind. Confucius Say Dalmatians can't play hide and seek, because they are always spotted. Confucius Say The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Confucius Say He who hesitates is probably right. Confucius Say The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. Confucius Say The toilet of the Star Ship Enterprise contains 'the captains log'. Confucius Say The biggest room you have, is the room for improvement. Confucius Say Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car. Confucius Say An 'Areoplane Blonde' is one who has bleached her hair but still has a 'black box'. Confucius Say One cow spying on another cow is called a steak out. Confucius Say A butler with no teeth is an in-dentured servant. Confucius Say Part-time bandleaders should be called 'semi-conductors'. Confucius Say The fear of death keeps us from living, not from dying. Confucius Say Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power. Confucius Say Heat must travel faster than cold because, it is easy to catch a cold. Confucius Say If men had breasts, they would wear off the pockets of their shirts. Confucius Say Deaf people have phone sex by fax. Confucius Say A "smart ass" is someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is Confucius Say Viagra is like Disneyland... a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride. Confucius Say It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want. Confucius Say Man who pamper his cow, will get spoiled milk Confucius Say "Never cut the rope that can be simply untied." Confucius Say If you do not wish to get to the point, never play leap frog with a unicorn. Confucius Say The difference between roast beef and pea soup is that anyone can roast beef. Confucius Say A fool and his money are soon partners. Confucius Say All's fear in love and war. Confucius Say Sex is like a Ford Explorer. Going too fast may cause a roll-over injury Confucius Say "Ulcers aren't the result of what you eat. You get ulcers from what's eating you." Confucius Say Adults are just wrinkled kids who owe money. Confucius Say Newscaster who reports hurricanes, knows how to talk up a storm. Confucius Say Man who was a dude before marriage, is now subdued. Confucius Say When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. Confucius Say A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it. Confucius Say Woman who fall in love with elevator operator, usually get the shaft. Confucius Say The only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back, is a police horse. Confucius Say An optimist is a man who hasn't had many experiences yet. Confucius Say The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it. Confucius Say To ignore the facts, does not change the facts. Confucius Say Woman who dates gambler, gets cheated on. Confucius Say Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper. Confucius Say A woman will be "Queen of the sewers", if she has accessible manhole. Confucius Say If a soda can goes to college, it will take "fizz ed". Confucius Say Prisoner who paints in jail, will have brush with the law. Confucius Say Men are like fish... neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut. Confucius Say Geometry teacher who loses parrot, will have polygon. Confucius Say Woman who dates trash collector, will get dumped. Confucius Say Company who make women's vibrators is called, Genital Electric. Confucius Say Sperm sample from Nobel Prize winner is called, 'Stroke of Genius'. Confucius Say If all women's lib activists were laid end to end, it would be the best thing for them. Confucius Say Independent porno movie producers should form new company called, 20th Century-Fux Confucius Say Nurse who goes missing at beach, can be found under the doc. Confucius Say Gay Austrailian man will leave his wife and return to Sydney. Confucius Say Man who try doggie style sex, won't want to face his wife again. Confucius Say Student who study history, will find there is no future in it. Confucius Say Man who work all day for a pool maintenance company, will feel drained. Confucius Say Epileptic lettuce farmer makes "Seizure Salad". Confucius Say If the washroom upstairs is occupied, there is a hypotenuse. Confucius Say The only one whose troubles are behind him, is a school bus driver. Confucius Say Just because men have one, doesn't mean they have to be one. Confucius Say The supermarket is where you spend 30 minutes hunting for instant coffee. Confucius Say Alarm clock is something that makes people rise and whine. Confucius Say A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Confucius Say Argument between pharmacist and a patient is called a pill owe fight Confucius Say Since a lawyer joined our nudist colony, he hasn't had a suit. Confucius Say Many arguments have two sides, but no end. Confucius Say The best defense against rape, is to beat off the attacker. Confucius Say Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. Confucius Say Cinderella would be bad at football. Her coach was a pumpkin. Confucius Say When TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent. Confucius Say The palest ink is better than the best memory. Confucius Say Miners with illuminated helmets, will feel lightheaded. Confucius Say A man can keep his youth, by giving her money, furs and diamonds. Confucius Say The best way to slow a runaway horse, is to bet on it." Confucius Say Getting sick at the airport, could be a terminal illness. Confucius Say Blondes have more fun because they are easier to amuse. Confucius Say Undertakers are nice - they're the last to let people down. Confucius Say Self-centered trumpet player, likes to toot his own horn. Confucius Say Jokes become a father, when the punch line becomes apparent. Confucius Say A person will never tell a lie, if the truth will do more damage. Confucius Say Best way to make wife's panties wet every day, is to do the laundry. Confucius Say Balloon factory will go out of business if it can't keep up with inflation. Confucius Say Man who start crystal ball factory, bound to make a fortune. Confucius Say There is no future in writing a history book Confucius Say The difference between a lawyer and a chicken is, the chicken clucks defiant. Confucius Say Men in a singles bar have one thing in common...they're all married. Confucius Say "Migration" is the headache birds get when they fly South for the winter. Confucius Say Lady who goes down first time out, is called "Titanic" Confucius Say Deaf people have phone sex by fax. Confucius say, "Whoever gossips to you, will gossip about you." Confucius Say I ask wife for "light lunch". She serve fireflys. Confucius Say Crossing dinosaur with a pig, will make Jurassic Pork. Confucius Say An Austrailian Kiss is similar to French Kiss, but given down under. Confucius Say Man who mix poison ivy with four leaf clover, have rash of good luck. Confucius Say Prostitute with her hand in her panties is "self employed". Confucius Say Do not argue with spouse who is packing your parachute. Confucius Say Some fisherman catch their fish by the tale. Confucius Say Whether or not sex is better than pot, depends on the pusher Confucius Say A bachelor is a man who is footloose and fiancée-free. Confucius Say If you run into your ex on the street, just shift into reverse and keep going. Confucius Say Man who wants to kill a circus troupe, should go for the juggler Confucius Say If you want to watch the world pass you by, try driving the speed limit." Confucius Say An Impotent Loser is a man who can't even get his hopes up. Confucius Say A handkerchief should be called "Cold storage". Confucius Say Sex is like vacation....it never lasts long enough." Confucius Say Never tell a one legged hitch hiker to "hop in". Confucius Say Women are like convertables. They're both more fun with their top down. Confucius Say A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning. Confucius Say Woman who loses wedding ring in kitchen, should remove her drawers Confucius Say The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary Confucius Say Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children. Confucius Say When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it. Confucius Say "A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car." Confucius Say When things go wrong, don't go with them. Confucius Say A speech is like a bicycle wheel...the longer the spoke, the greater the tire. Confucius say, "It is impossible to sling mud with clean hands". Confucius Say Always yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again. Confucius Say Don't let your affection give you an infection. Put some protection on that erection. Confucius Say "Man who has nothing to say, should say nothing." Confucius Say In prison, best way to separate the men from the boys is with a crowbar Confucius Say A good life is like toilet paper... Long and useful. Confucius Say Basic unit of laryngitis is 1 hoarsepower Confucius Say The perfect gift for man who has everything, is a burglar alarm Confucius Say Christmas trees are like priests...Their balls are just for decoration. Confucius Say Half of a large intestine is equal to one semicolon Confucius Say Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...after a mediocre summer Confucius Say It is better to give than receive- especially advice." Confucius Say "Happiness is a way station between too little and too much." Confucius Say Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man are very much alike... both get to smell the goods, but neither one can eat it. Confucius Say "Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career". Confucius Say An optimist is a person who doesn't understand the enormity of the problem. Confucius Say Van Gogh was a painter because he didn't have an ear for music. Confucius Say Banker who sits in freezer, will have frozen assets. Confucius Say Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag. Confucius say, "A man may be a fool and not know it... but not if he is married." Confucius Say The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions. Confucius Say Woman who wear something from Victoria's Secret, have no more secrets. Confucius Say A 400 pound lady, who likes both men and women, is a bisexual built for two. Confucius Say Husbands are like fires...they go out when left unattended. Confucius Say Character is like a fence...it cannot be strengthened by whitewash. Confucius Say A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else. Confucius Say Woman who gives away free potato chips, will offer you a free Lay. Confucius Say It's better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it. Confucius Say Surgeon who make mistake, forced to take a cut in salary Confucius say, A virgin, sleeping on a waterbed is called 'cherry float'. Confucius say, Blowing into a blonde's ear is called Data transfer Confucius say, An "egghead" is what Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty. Confucius say, Man with head up ass, can't see for shit. Confucius say, A transvestite is one who likes to eat, drink and be Mary Confucius say, A gay man with diarrhea is called juicy fruit! Confucius say, Eskimos go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal. Confucius say, “Show off always shown up in showdown." Confucius say, “He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth” Confucius say, "A woman is the only hunter who uses herself for bait." Confucius say, Keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Confucius say, Never test the depth of the water with both feet. Confucius say, "Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy" Confucius say, "The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation". Confucius say, " Look for helping hand on end of own arm." Confucius say, Marriages are made in Heaven...So are thunder & lightning. Confucius say, "Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent " Confucius say, A wise man makes sure that his wife's birthday cake is short one candle. Confucius say, Jamaiccan proctologist is called Pok-e-mon Confucius say, An egotist is a person more interested in himself, than in me. Confucius say, Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Confucius Say, If man doesn't try different sex with one women, he shall try one sex with different women. Confucius say, Real Estate People are a vacant lot. Confucius say, "Patience" is a naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree. Confucius say, “Man with hand in pocket is all ways on the ball” Confucius say, A practical nurse is one who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient. Confucius say, Man with poor vision can date anyone. Confucius say, “Man who put head it fruit drink, get punch in nose.” Confucius say, " Man who put cream in tart is not necessarily baker." Confucius say, An enemy is sometimes nothing more than a friend who got wise to you. Confucius Say, Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Confucius Say, "He who thinks only of number one, must remember, it is next to nothing" Confucius Say, Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an airplane. Confucious say... Women are like Lawn Mowers...If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it. Confucious say... "Nail on board is not good as screw on bench." Confucius Say... "Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails." Confucius Say, "hole happy, whole body happy"