Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen Pal, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in horse shit!"

"No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

AND THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

"Excuse me ma'am? You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? Well, you are right, we don't. Now, sign here."