"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Jimmy Shubert

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -- Rich Jeni

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." -- Emo Philips

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." -- Emo Philips

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" -- Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Rich Jeni