How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long