“I worked in a prison and our ‘sexual history’ question gets a little more indepth. However my favourite answer of all time followed the question “Have you ever used drugs or illicit substances?” To which the inmate responded No, he had never. Then the sexual history question came up and he said “Well I snorted coke off a hooker, but I didn’t fuck her so does that count?” We had to restart the questionnaire.”

“From my time as an Army medic in Germany, circa 2003. Had a guy report to sick call with “personal” filled out on his sick call slip. Ninety-nine percent of the time, this means STD or something wrong with the reproductive bits. I was the fortunate one to pull his chart for screening. I got him into the exam room, got him to verbalize exactly what “personal” reason he was in the aid station for. It was sores on his penis. Ok. I start prepping the culture swab, and continue getting the history. How long he had the sores, when he last had sex, any burning or irritation while urinating. “A few days, never, and no.” Wait, you haven’t had sex? What about sexual contact, to include oral, anal, genital on genital? “I’m a virgin. I’ve never been with anyone else”. What the fuck are the sores from? “I’ve been masturbating a bunch.”. How much? “Eight times a day.” Our PA ended up sending him back with a profile to his chain of command prohibiting masturbation more than once a day.”

“During my clinicals in school, I had an ER rotation. Now, I like the ER, it’s exciting and you see some really weird shit. I was baptized in the weird-shit puddle by a fourteen-year-old chick who came in with abdominal pain. So my preceptor (this was early in clinicals) is doing his thing and asking medical history when he asks her if she was sexually active. She says yes, preceptor asks last sexual encounter (thinking something was up), to which she responds “right before I came here”. So, preceptor asks if she can describe the nature of her pain. She says yes. “It’s probably from the cucumber in my ass.” You fucking whut? Turns out, she had a cucumber in her ass.”

“This happened recently at my work. Teen girl presents with abdominal pain and swears up and down that there is no way for her to be pregnant. Doc orders tests and as the lab is drawing blood, the mother asks the doc what he thinks it could be. The doc said “well if she claims she couldn’t be pregnant, she might have some kind of tumor or mass growing in her abdomen.” Haha I love that Doc. After lab results come back, it appears she is actually pregnant. Ultrasound is ordered and shows a baby that is well developed. Mom is ordered to leave the room and a vaginal exam confirms that her abdominal pain is definitely contractions from active labor. Patient is still saying that it’s impossible. Doc orders mom from the room and goes in to tell her that no matter what she is trying to say, right now it’s time to grow the fuck up because you are going to be a mother in a few hours.”

“My favorite was this young guy maybe in his twenties, comes in and on the form, he circled the “sexual history” part drew an arrow to the back. Then on the back, it read “it all began back in the eighth grade with Stacy…” He continued on to fill half the page up with his sexual history. I’m pretty sure he did it only because he had to wait so long.”

“Many years ago I had to accompany my Grandma (RIP 2013) to a deposition/hearing (i can’t remember what it exactly was). She was suing a grocery store because a shelf collapsed on her hand and broke her wrist. There was a big conference room table with her doctor there, attorneys, and other official people. Anyway…as they were going down the checklist of questions asking how this injury affected her life, the attorney asked: “would you say that your sex life has been negatively affected?” Granny holds up her cast and says “Hell yes!” I was mortified. The room was humming with muffled giggles.”

“So I answer the phone in my ER once and I’m greeted with a long sigh and then a steady stream of verbal diarrhea explaining the reason for the call it went like this: “(Siiiiiigggghhhhhh)… So my boyfriend and I were having sex and we both have herpes and he pulled out and some got in my eye do I need to come in?” (Spaced for easy reading, read without the spaces). I proceeded to tell her that she should probably seek treatment if she wasn’t on an antiviral currently. We saw her an hour later and her eye was as red as a tomato. I sent a nursing student in to get her history without telling her what happened. The look on the student’s face was priceless.”

“Eleven girls in forty eight hours” “Really?” “No, I’m sad and lonely.”

“When I was thirteen I responded “yes” when the nurse asked me if I was sexually active. She then asked when was the last time I had sex to which I uncomfortably answered that I have never had sex. I thought masturbation counted…”

“When was your last prostate exam? I don’t have one. They removed it? No I have a vagina. Oh. Ohhhhh.”

“As a Med student in an std clinic in Miami I asked a lady how many sexual partners she had. “Honey, I get paid to fuck. I got no clue.” She got all the antibiotics.”

“When I was doing my housemanship a few years back, a girl told me she’s a virgin. I was about to tell her about the fetus in her uterus.”

“I signed in a sixteen-year-old girl who told the doctor “I can’t be in labor–I’ve never had sex” as she gives her Dad a “please don’t kill me” look. Ah, family moments.”

“Pt came in for difficulty with walking due to pain. When pressed, he admitted that he had someone’s forearm deep in him a week prior from a rough encounter. Sent him to a specialist, turns out his pubic symphysis was inflamed and might have a stress fracture. Oddly, when results were given to him, he made it clear that it was worth it.”