Boy and girl twins my mum used to child mind for, playing together in one of those kiddie car things. They were maybe 4 or 5, and suddenly she shouts at him while he’s inside the car “YOU’RE DRIVING IT WRONG WOMAN!!!!” I’m guessing she picked up the exact phrase from her dad

One of my preschoolers once told me that her mom had a wound on her leg. I asked if she had needed a band-aid and if her mom had fell down or something but the kid said: “No, my mom was sitting naked and moving on my dad’s lap in shower and blood was dripping from her to the shower floor…” I had a hard time controlling my poker face every time I saw her parents after that. Nice people.

When I was a camp counselor, I had a girl camper around seven years old respond to my over-cheerful “Good morning!” with “Did I sleep with you last night?” I wasn’t sure I’d heard her right, and when I asked her to elaborate, she said, “Mommy said that’s another way of saying hello after you wake up.”

Reading a book to a kid (3 1/2) when he stops me to tell me that “mommy doesn’t like hair on her vagina so she cuts it”. We didn’t finish the book.

I had a child tell me that his mom and dad both like to play dress up at home. The description of their ‘costumes’ made it quite clear that this was private time dress up. Made for a few interesting interactions with the parents throughout the year.

I’m not a teacher but I’m sure if my 1st-grade teacher was on Reddit she would tell this story. I just got done vaguely learning about drugs and alcohol at school, with my new found knowledge I vowed to be drug-free. My dad worked for a Heineken at the time and I knew that was beer which I was taught is alcohol which is a drug. Cue sharing time, we’re sitting in a circle talking about what our parents do, I was the first one to start. I started telling them that my dad worked for a beer company when it dawned on me….my dad was a drug dealer! I started crying and couldn’t articulate my words but what I did spit out was “MY DAD SELLS DRUGS”. Needless to say my parents were called to the school and laughs were had all around when they finally got me to calm down enough to explain why I said that.

We were talking about the difference between men and women, men have penises and women don’t bla bla. That one boy goes ‘my mum has a penis, too’ and we are going ‘oh no sweetie she doesn’t ‘ but he insists and it starts becoming uncomfortable. After a while he says ‘my mum HAS a penis, only it is not attached to her body, she keeps it in the drawer by the bed’ Kids-logic is so precious.

My friend was teaching an improv class to first graders at camp and asked them to name some “everyday activities.” First two examples: “Getting divorced!” and “Resuscitating someone after drowning!

I was a teachers helper and one day a kid came to class wearing a stretchy cock ring on his wrist. I bet his mom was mortified when he came home.

I said ‘trust me, I’m a doctor’ to a kid then all eyes turned to me ‘are you really a doctor?’ ‘no it’s just a saying’ Then one boy, without looking up from his work says ‘my daddy pretended to be a doctor…he got in trouble’

I’m a counselor at a summer camp. One kid was playing in the mud. When we asked him to stop, he stood up, and smeared it on his face, like battle paint. He proceeds to shout, “MY DADDY SAYS IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU LOOK NICE AS LONG AS YOU LOOK LIKE A BADASS.” The kid was seven.

I had a kid ask me if it was normal for adults to wrestle every night before going to bed.

The funniest and slightly sad one that occurred was when I was teaching first grade. One of the little girls in my class (who was absolutely sweet and adorable) got picked up by her dad and his girlfriend. The two adults were doing some serious snogging outside (ass grabbing included) in full view of my class. I went up to them and asked them politely to knock it off. The daughter then says out loud, “But Miss A, at least they aren’t naked this time!

A family friend who teaches kindergarten told us: One kid called another kid an asshole. So the teacher takes her out to the hall and says “We heard you call someone a bad word. Now what did you say?” The kid says, “Was it really bad?” The teacher: “Yes, very bad.” The kid: “Well, it must have been motherfucker.

Our 2nd-grade teacher had her class say something about their family. One of the little boys described the details of his parents swinging lifestyle with another family in the town who had a few kids of their own. (he was blissfully ignorant of exactly what he was describing) Apparently out of the 5 kids total between the families (3 / 2 split) no one is really sure who is who’s father. So they all are the other family’s ‘half brothers and sisters’. After revealing all of this to the class his ‘half-sister’ who is in the same class says “You weren’t supposed to tell anyone!”.