I had a young man come into the ER one evening with a sex toy lost in his ass from the previous night. Turns out he didn’t have any more sick days at work and spent the day framing a house with a dildo whirring away in his sphincter. He came to the hospital right after work. He was really glad when the batteries died somewhere around lunchtime.

Guy literally ripped his own eye out cause his buddies dared him. Yes drugs were involved.

Had a university student who ignited a firework in his anus while drunk for the amusement of his buddies. It exploded, causing full thickness burns of his rectum and injured his external sphincter – resulting in him needing a colostomy

When I was in high school, the class clown had a big pool party at his house and decided to show off to everyone that he could jump from the roof of his garage into his pool. Keep in mind, that would of been an impressive jump, even for an adult in good shape, while this kid was a scrawny 15 year old who was slightly intoxicated. No one thought he would actually do it, especially when his sister started screaming at him to get his ass down before she got their mom. The laughing quickly died when he hit the ground and started screaming. He had broken his arm in two places when he landed on it. The doctor said he was actually pretty lucky it didn’t hurt anything internal when he hit. He did have a long talk with him about how hard it will be to impress anyone if you’re dead though.

Operating theatre – this woman came in with a frozen chicken stuck inside her vagina. Apparently she had a habit of buying them, inserting them and then pulling them out, as she really had a thing for going through childbirth, but on this occasion, she hadn’t allowed time for it to defrost properly /adequately.

This is second hand from a friend who used to be a nurse in the Royal Navy. Apparently a sailor managed to impale his scrotum with a hockey stick while playing deck hockey on an RN vessel when it was docked in Portsmouth. Apparently one of his nuts was the size of a honeydew melon and had gone black. This caused quite a stir and all the staff came round to have a good gawk under the pretence of ‘viewing a rare injury’. I believe he was ok in the end.

Guy was camping with his frat buddies and they were firing air rifles at each other with a baseball glove on. The pellet was lodged well into his hand. Like, how did you think this was going to end?

One of the doctors my mom worked with almost got kicked out of his Residency program because of a question he asked a patient: Guy came in with a dildo stuck in his rectum and the doctor asked him “Do you want us to take it out or change the batteries?” The patient thought that was the funniest damn thing he’d heard but one of the nurses had an issue with it and reported him requesting he be dismissed from the program. They didn’t do that and told him it was because the patient found it to be funny that saved him. They also told the nurse to lighten up since the patient found it funny.

I was the dumb injury in the ER. I stepped off the sidewalk wrong and rolled my ankle so bad I tore all four ligaments… Because I was distracted by seeing a really cute puppy.

My mom landed in the ER last Christmas after falling while impersonating Kramer’s entrances in Seinfeld for charades.

Guy came in after being concerned the bed sheet had stuck to his lower leg. Turns out hed been using a petrol mower the evening before and it had exploded. Full thickness burn to his calf. No pain. He wanted to go home to feed his cows instead of being transferred to burns and plastics. Man it looked like white leather.

Not a medical professional at all but my boyfriend has a story of going to the hospital to see his mom (a nurse) and getting pissed off with the parking meter eating his change, so he punched it and broke his knuckle. Gave him another reason to be at the hospital.

Had a patient come in who had a light bulb wedged down his pee hole, who had apparently tried to run an electrical current into his anus to see if the light lit up. Apparently it did. But was it worth all of the ass burns??

Not a doctor but I broke my arm playing golf. I tried to do a Happy Gilmore type swing hit the ground hard and was holding the club wrong, snapped my arm so bad bone was sticking out of the skin. This may or may not have been a alcohol related incident.

Medical assistant here. We had a patient who tied his scooter to the back of a jeep by using a rope. The handlebars ended up detaching and flying off, resulting in what I assumed was a pretty epic crash. He lost a couple teeth, had road rash, and a bad enough break that his arm needed plates and screws to piece the bones together again. It was hard not laughing in his face when we asked how he was injured.