About seven years ago, trying to find an original way to compliment my gf, now wife, Told her "You look good in nothing" Fast forward an hour later. "OH SHIT! No, I meant that you look good naked!"

My then future mother-in-law asked me how I like my steak at one of my first sit down dinners with my then fiancé's family. I said: "If it bleeds, I'll eat it." And then I... winked. God dammit.

I was interviewing for my first job, I was probably 15-16 and nervous as hell. It was a job bussing tables and washing dishes at the golf club/catering area. During the interview, the interviewer asked, "are you punctual?" I replied with, "I think you can tell from my appearance that I'm not punk at all, and I don't really like that kind of music." Next question, "are you frequently on time to appointments?" And I answered normally, thinking it was just the next question...

Do you remember that one episode of Spongebob where Squidward is in a talent show and no one will clap for him, but then when Spongebob comes out to mop the floor, everyone cheers? Well one time in college, I was at "Mr. (My College)", and after one of the acts, this tiny nerdy guy came out to mop the stage because there was spilled water or something, and I screamed "Yeah! Go Spongebob" and the auditorium went silent. And everyone around me turned and stared. I left shortly after.

Teacher asked me "working hard or hardly working?". I had a brain fart and said "I'm hard". One of my friends heard me say it, I'll never live it down.

Got let go from my job by the boss. Early that morning he had chased a robber from his house. The 'firing' was amicable, I understood why but knew it sucked for both of us. Trying to lighten the mood when I walked out, I said "Keep your doors locked!". He did not think it was a reference to his earlier story...

Company thanksgiving dinner. Siting next to a group of women complaining about their exes. One of them said something along the lines of "He's still got his hand and a bottle of lube so he'll be happy." I replied with "To be honest, we don't even need lube most of the time." Right as everyone in the whole room stopped talking for some reason...

Buying a motorbike in 2009. I wanted to haggle. My first offer was the full asking price.

So I was at a group fitness class and the instructor was known for having weird excercises like bending and swinging one of your arms in a circle and calling it "making soup". He gets really into and asks the class what soup they were making-chicken soup! tomato soup! He asked me and I panicked and said water.

In 5th grade we were at an assembly where they told a story and would hold up cards for the audience to yell. When they held the card that said "GASP" everyone gasped while I screamed the word gasp as loud as I have ever screamed anything in my life.

Not me, but my husband. He was out drinking with his friends, a girl comes up to him asking if he wants to dance. What he means to say is "I only dance when I'm drunk, and I'm still sober", but what he actually said was "I'm not drunk enough to dance with you". I wasn't even there and I can feel that poor girl's self esteem drop every time he tells the story.

I once complimented a girl I know on her cute outfit and asked where she got it. She named a plus size store. For whatever stupid reason I replied, "Really? I need to gain a bunch of weight so I can shop there!" I immediately realized what I had said, and we looked at each other for a moment, looked away, and sat in uncomfortable silence for the rest of class because I'm a jerk.

I have never responded well to random uncomfortable news. Once when I was in college I was getting a haircut and asked how the stylist's day was going. She said her day was going well but her dog died the night before. Without thinking I said "think of all the money you'll save on dog food". Instant regret. It's one of those things that pops into my head randomly as I try to sleep at night.

My ex said at the dinner table I had a slight webbing on my toe how do you get that? In front of her entire family, aunts, uncles cousins grandparents. I instinctively said "inbreeding" Forks dropped, and they all just stared at me, I didn't know what to do or where to look I just wanted to fucking die!

My wife walked in on a burglar in our living room earlier this month (she's fine, he ran away and didn't get anything or hurt anyone). When she saw him there she screamed "Fucking excuse me!" For days after the event she's been like "Why was I polite???"