When I was a kid, my parents were watching a show where they were finding gems/gold inside of rocks and I obviously wanted to find gold too, so I went outside and threw a giant rock on the ground and it ended up BOUNCING right into our glass sliding door. Shattered.

Was baking bread and had a pyrex dish with water in the bottom of the oven for moisture. Checked the oven, water was gone, my dumbass decides I need to pour more water in. A split second flash of what would happen goes through my brain but I do it anyway. Cool tap water + hot pyrex and BOOOOM! Shit explodes everywhere. I’ve been finding random bits of pyrex in my kitchen for years now. So, that. And heroin.

Unknowingly walked through gang territory late into the night by myself

Hit a golf ball onto a recently drained lake and decided it was playable from the “mud.” On my third step onto the lake I sank up to my chest. Took a chain of three people to pull me out, and my God the smell. Should’ve taken the penalty

Drunkenly ate two Carolina reapers, buddies dad grows peppers. Next thing I know I’m over the toilet puking up what felt like lava.

when I was a kid I had really dry eyes for a time and I told my sister, between us we decided that the best course of action was to smear a bunch of my mums face cream into my eyes to try and stop the dryness. This, of course, went as well as you’d expect & my eyes immediately went red and swollen & since I couldn’t blink away the thick layer of cream straight away I was convinced I was blind forever & went blundering out into the hallway crying and made it half way down the stairs before I tripped & fell. I like to imagine my parents hearing the commotion and seeing one child rolling down the stairs screaming & crying with two giant lavender scented blobs of cream for eyeballs and the other child staring in horror from the top of the stairs desperately trying to wipe the incriminating lotion off her hands

When I was a kid, I took my Nintendo apart so that I could use the parts to build a remote control airplane.

Probably that time I full on shit my pants in the street, waddled a block home to use my bathroom, then dropped my keys into my filthy toilet while I was trying to take off my shitty pants.

Saw on a tube of superglue that it said “bonds skin instantly”. I was wondering what “instantly” meant exactly…was it in a few seconds or did they mean right then. So I glued my fingers together — the thumb and first two fingers on my right hand. And stayed that way for two hours until my mother came home because I didn’t know that acetone will dissolve superglue.

Brought a BB gun to school to trade with my friend for his Playstation. Sadly though the BB gun looked like a real gun and was just after columbine and I went to school in Colorado. A student saw it and reported it and shit hit the fan pretty damn hard for me in 5th grade. Got expelled for it and made the local newspaper.

Lost my phone in my bedroom. To help locate it, I tried calling it using my phone.

We got drunk at some chicks house who I’d never met before. The place got pretty trashed so when she went to bring a friend home she asked if we’d clean up a bit. I’m still pretty lit at this point and see all these half full cups all over. The kitchen sink was full so the best idea I could come up with was vacuum out the liquid and dump the cups. It makes the funniest gurgling, slurping sound I’ve ever heard so I go about sucking up about 100oz of liquid into this vacuum. The chick comes home while I’m about 90% through all the glasses and stops dead. I turn around and look at the vacuum, which is one of those old ones with a fabric bag on it, and it’s a deluge of jungle juice pouring into the carpet. I turn back to her, completely deadpan as the concept of what’s happening is only now dawning on my alcohol soaked brain, and say “your vacuum cleaner’s drunk”. She promptly kicked us out and I never saw the poor girl again. Moral of the story, don’t let shitty 16 year olds get drunk at your house.

Using my thumb to wipe the hair off my razor in the shower

Drunkenly sold my landlord’s lamps while living in her apartment.

I stumbled into a emergency shutdown button in a water purifying plant. Received a hefty compensation claim. …by that I mean I had to reimburse the company for the damage I caused by pressing that button. Forgive me, English is not my native language

Hiding in a basement with my cousins at their house, burning Styrofoam with a lighter we stole. Decided to pour a cup or so of gasoline on it. It inevitably exploded onto us all, we all ran out of the basement while on fire (went out pretty quickly/ only burned the clothes) and ran straight to the grown ups up stairs. Luckily they stopped the fire from spreading in the basement, and unluckily we got the ass whooping of a life time

I called the cops on myself because I thought I saw a ghost. Was working midnight shift at an old movie theater. After the last person left, I confused the shadow of my torso reflecting onto the empty movie screen for a disembodied ghost. I ran and told the manager, and because I had planted the “ghost” idea in his mind, he went in, saw hisshadow and decided there was in fact a ghost, and called the cops. A cop arrived, we told him what we thought we saw, he rolled his eyes at us and went into the theater. But we had planted the idea in his mind already too, and he came out with his hand on his gun and a bit pale in the face. He called more cops. A second cop arrived, went into the theater, realized we had seen our own shadows, and came out laughing his ass off at all 3 of us. Manager and I were embarrassed, but omg that poor first cop. Eventually there were 10 cops there and some were laughing so hard at him, that they had to support themselves on the sides of their squad cars. Between bouts of laughter, one made a spooky ghost sound, and another mimed putting him in handcuffs as they both laughed even harder, and that made all the rest of them completely lose their shit laughing.