I have 3 testicles…like not even joking…

I had a crush on my grade four French teacher. I talked a big game about knowing how to sing all these songs in French when I actually could barely say hello. She called me out to sing one in front of the class so I faked a headache and bolted for the door.

I tell people that my mom taught Jay-Z at Trenton High School. I mean it’s possible and likely, but I have no actual proof.

My cousin and I used to make out frequently as teens. We sort of just grew out of it but I’m petrified someone will find out.

Most of the funny or outrageous stories I’ve shared with my friends about me are complete bullshit. I’m not an interesting person but want people to think I am.

When my sister and I were kids, she had a doll she loved that my stepmother donated. My stepmother apparently asked her permission. My sister agreed because she was only 4 and was being coerced into it by our stepbrothers. She adored that doll and cried for months afterward. (1/2)

My sister is now 26 and is 8.5 months pregnant with a baby girl. I tracked down one of the dolls on eBay and sent it to her. The doll should arrive about a week after the kid is born. (2/2)

As a kid, I would tell people The Smashing Pumpkins were my favorite band because I saw them on The Simpsons and people seemed to think they were cool. I didn’t actually listen to their music.

I fucked up the promotional posters of a well-known martial arts film by editing its Wikipedia article with incorrect character names before it came out. The company in charge of the posters was incompetent enough to use Wikipedia as its source for the names of the characters.

The hospital I used to work at lost a small corpse because it was mislabeled

I don’t love my nephew (yet). People seem to instantly fall in love with babies, but as I held his 2day old baby, I felt absolutely nothing for him emotionally. I mean, I care for him and all, but just feel nothing.

My mom is cheating on my dad and has been for a while now. She doesn’t know I know and I don’t know which of them to tell, or if I should just ignore it and stay out of their business.

My dad died last year. After that, I took a DNA test because “it would be fun to find more about my dad’s family”. Well, instead I got a 50% match with a man I don’t know which suggests that he is my father. I haven’t contacted him or confronted my mom. I don’t know what to do with this information.

I don’t feel close to some people in my life that I’ve known for 10+ years. Like I don’t know what to talk about with them anymore, you know?

I stole a box of notes from a girl’s desk. The kind girls pass around secretly in class. Another guy was accused, he said it was me but because he had a reputation of acting out, he took the wrap for it. Sorry, Mike.

At a sleepover when I was nine, I quite clearly heard my friend’s dad slap his wife. They were both drunk and arguing loudly. The next morning the dad took us out for breakfast at McDonald’s and stopped at a flower shop on the way back to their house.

I’ve fallen out of love with my girlfriend and want to leave. I’m too afraid and am not financially stable enough to live alone.