Failed a course in first year university, but qualified for a make up exam. Got an A on the exam, which replaced the whole failing grade on my transcript and gave my GPA a huge boost. I’m pretty sure I’m the reason that the next semester they changed it so that the make up exam would only replace your final exam mark, and your rest of the year performance would still be taken into account in calculating the final grade.

At work I ran head first into a horizontal beam because it was just above eye level. I knocked myself out cold. Now the entire factory has to wear hard hats…

if you have to fart please step out of the room

At my elementary school no one is allowed to bring glass containers to lunch anymore. I tried Kobe-ing my little glass jar into the trash, and missed.

Half off employee meals only apply to standard size meals

A local pita place had a promo to get $5 off of your order if you purchased a $25 gift card. Pretty good deal so I bought one. The next time I went in they were still running the promo and I got another gift card but this time I paid for it with the previous gift card, a sort of promotional inception if you will. I was able to get away with that for weeks and finally they added an * to the promo poster, stating that you could not pay for a gift card with another gift card.

I worked at a crappy company that would come around at the last minute and make people work Saturday and possibly Sunday(like 20 minutes before the end of shift or just posting a sign on the time clock). The rule was that if you had vacation on Friday or Monday you didn’t have to work the weekend(any amount of vacation as long as it was at the beginning or end of the day). I put in for vacation for the first two hours of every Monday for the entire summer and didn’t have to work a single day of overtime. Then I would show up to work Monday at normal time and cancel the 2hrs of vacation. Others followed and they ended up being short every weekend. The policy changed next year to having to take 8hrs vacation to get out of overtime.

20th century typewriters are no longer allowed at my school. Shouldn’t have brought it.

You’re not allowed to draw on the burgers with condiments at Burger King. Apparently it gets points deducted when the secret shopper opens their whopper and sees a smilie face.

I’m not sure if this was because of me but, In kindergarden there was a backpack you could bring like a toy for show and tell if you where the star of the week (did other schools do that?) I brought so much STUFF it was crazy how much I could put in it. Next year my younger sister could only bring one thing. I felt like a dick

No kilts allowed at work.

Technically not because of me, but I was around with this one kid during school hours. We have vending machines in our hallways and he thought it was a good idea to shake and punch one until something dropped. Unfortunately, he broke it because afterwards the whole thing stopped functioning. What was worse is that it was all caught on camera and it was shown to the principal. Now there needs to be an adult or supervisor around to use the vending machines. Well played.

In high school, each junior year class section was required to write and perform a short play. Then all 13-15 sections would compete for the title of best play Our class’ play made it to the finals from how bizarre the premise was: the entire thing took place in a gross gas station bathroom (represented on stage by three wooden panels forming a “stall” around an actual ceramic toilet bowl). It was a kind of “Forest Gump on a park bench” comedy story, where a wise janitor who’s seen it all gives life advice to various people who rush into that bathroom to take a shit (we had a businessman, a schoolgirl, a drug addict, and some 4th character I can’t remember) We wanted to maximize the shock value so we had a Tupperware of chocolate pudding in the toilet seat for various fecal-related gags. Also the businessman was literally drenched in water at one point of the story. That was implicitly discouraged because of the risk of water damage and the mess it made, but it was made a hard rule after we fucked up the stage and took ages to dry it up before the next class’ play came on. But that’s not the worst of it: The end of the play involved the janitor himself taking a dump on the toilet, and then the actor grabbed a handful of the chocolate pudding prop and threw it into the audience. The teachers and those who were hit weren’t happy about that. But we won 2nd place.

Local gas station in a small east Texas town I grew up in added burglars from ground to ceiling on all the windows because my dad broke into it with a hammer

No charcoal grilled food served on a specific college campus – on account of me relocating one of their charcoal grills to a concrete pylon located in the middle of the campus pond It was like a $30 grill that was left unlocked. They retrieved it unscathed. They had a bunch of them. Nevertheless, they exclusively cater subway instead of grilling food for campus events

The girl that does the Staples and Costco runs needs to have an itemized list approved by management before shopping runs. Because one day I wanted an electronic 3 hole punch and a bouncy ball chair. And I fucking got them.

There is a bar in SF where you used to be able to get popcorn from their machine self service style. It is no longer self serve because I almost burnt the place down by adding oil to the hopper. Now the popcorn is kept behind the bar and you have to ask for it. You’re welcome.