Happened this summer, I shit myself while driving home on a road trip. Now every time I take the kids for a drive they won’t stop asking if I need to poop then remind me of how I pooped myself.

Waitress asked if I wanted super salad, and I said ok.

That I used to like Nickelback

When I was away at camp and put my letter to my parents in an envelope and tried to fax it to them!

Zipping up the tip of my dick in shorts on a houseboat on Lake Mead when I was like 8. Will never forget that (they don’t need to even remind me…)

When I was 6 I would always use gel or mousse on my hair to spike it up. I ran out of mine and looked under the cabinet and found Mom’s mousse only it was Nair and I lost half of my hair. My whole family roasted the shit out of me and haven’t stopped since .. I’ll never forgot the smell of my hair burning off.

I thought Kanye West and PDiddy were the same person. Kanye West was just his real name

When I was two, I tried to eat a urinal cake. My mom caught me with a very public porta potty urinal cake in my mouth while at the Illinois State Fair.

I got the words “geriatric” and “gesticulate” mixed up and tried to describe someone flailing their arms wildly as “geriatric”. My family still makes fun of me for that lol

One time in college when a comet was visible, my friend and I brought home girls from the bar. We snuck in, spent some quality time together, and started to sneak out. About 1/2 down the stairs, my dad opened the front door to a rather large and unexpected house guest. Ever since then, comet woman stories have been told. That was 23 or 24 years ago and he laughs every time.

I dated a guy that wore acid-washed jeans

I was 7 and my Dad showed me the winning numbers for Texas lottery but I didn’t understand that it was just a printout not a ticket. So I ran around the house for 5 minutes screaming Dad won the lotto until he caught his breath from laughing to tell me it was a joke.

In a response as part a conversation about what constitutes a sport, “I like balls.”

I was at a wedding and one of my female friends was too self-conscious to dance. So I dragged her onto the dance floor, danced like an idiot and said “nobody is watching either of us.” It turns out that not only were they watching but also filming and now the video gets shared every year so I can relive that fun experience.

Waitress asked me if I wanted white or brown bread. I answered bread. It’s been 8 years and still, every time we’re going for breakfast, I’m reminded of it

My son left his brand new glasses on the school bus. I had to leave work in uniform ( deputy sheriff) to get them from bus garage. Stopped to pee before going to get them and after 5 minutes of ranting on, the polite 60-year-old lady told me I should zip up my CLT before I go to the school.

When I was about 3 or 4, my dad had to take me to use the restroom so he took me into the men’s and I pointed at the different sized urinals and said “Look! Those are for the little penises, and those are for the big penises!”

I was 6 years old. An intense overwhelming desire to take a shit came over me while at the baseball fields. The day was over but my father was a coach and helped tend the fields after games. Shitters were locked. Some kids asked me to play a pickup game so I agreed. Thought it may help calm the shit demon knocking its head at my chamber door. I stroke a ball into the outfield…this is a double for sure. I slide into second base and I realize that wasn’t the only deuce I hit. I full-blown shit myself sliding into second. I quit the game immediately and went into the dugout to sulk. On the way home (single cab Chevy S10) my brother and my dad noticed a shit smell. I sank my head in shame and tried to play it as a fart. But when the smell didn’t dissipate everyone knew what had happened. I let the shit demon out….my brother told this story at my wedding in front of everyone…. cold-blooded.