“At a festival, the heat is unbearable, I’m shitting my brains out in this portaloo that’s like a greenhouse, I’m sweating so bad I have to take my clothes off. So I’m sat in this literal shit hole, naked, exploding violently from the anus when some dude opens the door getting a full view of my entirely naked, scrawny nerd body complete with scrawny nerd shit and sweat smell. I’d forgotten to lock the toilet, and I think we both regretted that.”

“Was cutting a ladies hair, and she wants to show me pictures of her garden on her Ipad. She’s swiping, and all of a sudden, full on open legs gaping vagina shot.”

“I live in a college town and was waiting in line to mail something (bike parts?). I had a 1′ square package (heh) in my hands. At some point, a college gal walked to the bathroom and then absentmindedly walked back. She was talking on her phone and was standing on the other side of the line-fencing as she talked. She wrapped up her phone call and ducked under the fence, then got her phone out and was looking through it. She stopped next to me… and put her hand in my pocket. And started playing with the tip. All in about 3 seconds. I tried to take a step backward, but there was fencing. As I turned to face her, I said something like “ummmm, excu-“, so she looked up at me with this coy, devilish smile. I have this stark memory of that sexy smile IMMEDIATELY turning to the purest look of horror I have ever seen. Sheer terror. She screamed “I’M SO SORRY” and sprinted out the door. She grabbed her boyfriend, who was wearing a near identical button down shirt just a few people behind me. The whole thing, from absent-minded reach into pocket to cartoonish dragging-him-away, took about 10 seconds.”

“At a bar standing against the wall well into the night. Lady walks by and flicks my nipple. My instant reaction is to do it back to her. Her mouth fell open then she smiled, nodded her head in a sort of “touché” moment and kept walking.”

“I delivered food and I was in an elevator in some sketchy apartment building and this very old and overweight drunk woman came on. She had like 3 teeth and was really sweaty and kinda looked like what I imagine an old woman in tsarist Russia would look like I’m pretty sure she left her shawl at home that day. But anyway without much warning she pulled her literal bare tit out and just set it right the fuck on me. I’m so socially awkward I kinda just stood there like oh ok this is just my life now until I get to my floor. Most awkward 15 seconds of my life.”

“I was at a crowded bar (packed wall-to-wall), and went to get drinks for my girlfriend and myself. I picked up two pints at the bar, and as I was making my way back through the crowd, a girl cuts in front of me. Apparently, she thought her boyfriend was behind her because she reaches back and starts just fondling my junk. I can’t put either drink down, so I have to try to yell in this girl’s ear, but the bar is so loud that she can’t hear me. It’s so packed that I can’t pull away, so she proceeds to give me an over-the-pants-handy until we finally get a little farther from the bar and she can actually hear me yelling “PLEASE STOP GRABBING MY DICK.”

“When I was 17 I was a jumper on a FedEx truck for a while and one time I was making a delivery in a crummier part of town. I need a signature so I knock on the door. This girl opens the door. She looks like she might have been 14. The signature required an 18-year-old so I know it’s not her. I tell her and then I ask if anyone else is home. She says yes but before she can do literally anything I her a woman from inside the house asking “who is it?” The girl calmly turns around and says “It’s the FedEx guy with some papers.” And the I swear to God some lady hangs halfway around a corner inside the house, topless may I add, and tells the girl “well shut the G D door. I Ain’t got no panties on.” The girls face turns as red as a stop sign. I’m trying so hard not to laugh and I halfway say “you know what? I think it’ll be fine if you sign.” Still the highlight of my career.”

“One of my Uber passengers about two months ago offered me $40 to bang his girl in my back seat. It was already a $60 trip, so I turned up the music and put my rear view mirror all the way up and let him do his thing.”

“Met a girl at the club who was sobbing against the wall. Went over to her and asked her what was wrong, she told me she lost her phone on the dance floor. I asked her if she needed help looking for it. We went onto the floor and she immediately started grinding on me. Immediately after that, we started making out. Lasted a good 45min. Not sure if the whole sobbing thing was a ploy to lure a dude in. No complaints though.”

“In my early 20’s, I went to a party with a friend at one of his (not mine) friend’s house. Lots of people drinking, talking, music playing, etc. One of my friend’s friend’s friends is this cute girl. I don’t remember us really chatting that much but we were kind of playfully punching each other while we were by the couches in the living room (where a couple people were watching tv). The punching turned into basically wrestling, we fall to the floor and we’re laughing. We look at each other and just like that we’re very heavily making out. Lots of people around so we pick ourselves up and nothing much happens for a couple hours. Later on, most people have left and we’re sort of alone in the living room. On the couch, making out starts happening again, clothes start coming off, I go down on her, we slip down to the floor and do the whole deed not caring if anybody saw. Got dressed after and we napped on the couch, said goodbye in the late morning and I never saw her again.”

“Was on the tube and the girl next to me stumbled and inadvertently grabbed my boob to steady herself. I asked if she was going to at least buy me dinner, and she went bright red and apologized, and then squashed past people to stand somewhere else.”

“20 years ago, I was on an elevator at a hotel and almost everybody got off except for me and a 13(?) year old kid and I farted something huge. and so did he at the same time. we looked at each other incredulously and just then ding and the door opens and 10 women in business suits get on and immediately start complaining about the smell. they got off at the lobby and I and that kid laughed so fucking hard that I almost passed out. then I got off at my floor and never saw him again. but just for a second there, we were brothers. I still can’t think about it without laughing.”

“Was dancing at an EDM club, had a few beers but wasn’t wasted or anything. Chick walks up behind me and starts grinding on me. I think, “ok this is cool, but usually this is the other way around.” I turn around and she’s actually really hot. She begins rubbing her hands on my torso and then sticks her hands down my pants and starts jerking me, in the middle of the dance floor. People are looking at me all weird and giving nods; I was single and in a bit of a dry spell so there was no way I was going to stop her. After a couple of minutes of playing with me, she just walks away.”

“I was going through some personal shit and drinking at home by myself. I decided I needed some kind of “company” so I cabbed down to a local bar. The place was packed and loud so I just grabbed a beer and went and sat alone to people watch. A guy approaches me and says, “sorry to bother you man but I’m here with my girl and her friend is being a cock blocker and I’m trying to leave but I feel bad leaving her here alone. I’ll buy you your next drink if you come out and dance with her while we skip out.” Not much of a dancer but for a free drink I said fuck it. I get my drink and he points out the 2 girls dancing and says, “the brunette is my girl, the blonde is yours now..” and laughs. I say, “got it” and walk out to the dance floor and next thing I know I’m ‘in the club doing the same ole 2 step’ with this girl. After a song or 2 the guy just kind of nods at me and him and his girl dip out. We dance to another song and I finish my drink so I just sort of point to the bar and she nods her head. We go over and order a couple beers, she leans in and says thanks and looks around and notices her friends are gone. She says, “I think my friends ditched me” and kind of jokingly I just say, “that’s alright you can come home with me”. She laughs and we finish our drink quietly and I start feeling like an asshole for saying what I said. I tell her I’m gonna head out and she says, “not without me!” So we hail a cab, go to my place, immediately go to my room and have sex. We pass out, wake up, have sex again and then pass back out. We wake up, I ask her if she has work and she says not for another couple hours so we have sex again and fall back asleep. We get up, get dressed and I drive her home. Between the time of seeing her for the first time and dropping her off, we exchanged maybe 60 seconds of dialogue, had sex 3 times and have never seen nor spoken to each other since.”

“I saw a guy standing on the hill overlooking Philadelphia’s Boat House Row at sunrise. I thought his hands were clasped in prayer and appreciation for creation. I was moved. As I got closer, I realized he was just pissing in the street.”

“I was at the orientation for a new job. I showed up early and they had me go sit on this bench to wait for the orientation to start. There was a cute girl sitting there already so I sat next to her and struck up a conversation. We talked for a few minutes and then she took her phone out, so I took mine out. Well, she looked over at me as I unlocked my phone and there was a very hardcore porn gif playing. I’m talking “Guy holding a girl down with his foot on her head as he fucks her doggy style” type hardcore. Her head immediately snapped back to her phone. I didn’t know what to do so I just acted like I didn’t notice her looking and kept the conversation going. Then we had to sit through the 3-hour orientation together. Luckily we worked in different departments and shifts, so I never saw her again.”

“Sitting at the edge seat of a table at Giordano’s on a Chicago trip with my guy crew. All of a sudden, this gorgeous short haired girl walks up to our table and French kisses me. The table went silent. She then said, “I’m on a dare. I had to kiss the second hottest guy at your table.” At a table of six guys, the debate started immediately. Everyone was arguing who the first hottest was, but I was content with second place and a sweet make out. Maybe more tame than others, but it’s the closest I’ve got.”

“On vacation in California. It’s about 10pm, the pool and hot tubs are mostly empty. I’m chilling in the hot tub talking to my friends at home. Some girl comes and joins me, I say hi and go back to my phone, so does she. I finish on the phone and decide to try for some conversation. First couple minutes is just breaking the ice, then gets a bit more personal. The palm trees are gently swaying above us, the only sound is the soft lapping of the water and a warm breeze. She has this tattoo on the back of her shoulder that I ask about, and she comes over to show it to me. The next thing I know, I’m giving her a pretty sensual back massage, she turns around, hops on my lap and we kissed for a good 15 minutes before the hotel staff kicked us out of the hot tub. Never saw her again.”