“Joking about pregnancy. I have a now ex that texted me a picture of a positive pregnancy test at 3am. Then she got mad because I called her immediately asking about it. She got mad because I needed to chill and it was just a joke.”

“Touching your wife after handling spices and peppers.”

“Calling out your own name and slapping your own ass.”

“Trying to put it in my butt without any warning.”

“Well, not intercourse, but oral: never go down on a girl who feels insecure about her pubes, and then, as a joke, hack like you’ve inhaled a hair.”

“First-hand experience; doing it on the beach. There is no way sand isn’t gonna… it just isn’t.”

“Getting off without ever making sure that your lover also got off. Doesn’t matter who comes first or last.. but you all come (I mean unless they were all “Nah I’m done let’s eat”)”

“Don’t insult anyone’s genitals during sex. Women don’t need to hear that their unshaved vulva is ugly and men don’t need to hear that their uncut penis is a turn-off.”

“Calling your wife by your ex-wife’s name. Let me tell you that does not end on a happy note.”

“Them turning on Game of Thrones to use as background noise. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna keep looking at the television especially if I keep hearing moans, battle scenes and climactic music lol.”

“Back when I was younger I met this girl who was kind of kinky. All prior sexual endeavors were fairly vanilla. One night she busts out the anal beads and has me pop them in while I’m going at it from behind her. After a while, she gets close and asks me to pull them out. Like an idiot I yank on them like I’m pull starting a lawn mower. The sound of an a**hole slamming shut 10 times in less than a second is truly incredible. It sounded like someone stepping on bubble wrap. She did not appreciate this and it was the last time we did any butt-play.”

“From my experience, talking about something unrelated, even if you think it would be REALLY funny.”

“Believing someone you don’t really know or trust when they say, “I can’t get pregnant.”

“Lying about being on birth control then refusing and lying about getting plan b when he freaks out.”

“Small talk. Please don’t ask me what the weather is like right now.”

“Blowing forcefully into an orifice.”

“Trying kinky things without first discussing them with your partner.”

“Shouting out another dudes name. Especially if it’s “LEEROOYY JEENKIINNSS!!” and she doesn’t understand the reference.”