“The headphone jack snapped off because I tried to kill a mosquito and forgot I was wearing the headphones.”

“Wasps made a nest on my wasp spray bottle.”

“Went to a concert last night. This was my view for 3.5 hours.”

“Parking is free after 5 p.m. I paid until 5 p.m. Got a ticket at 5 p.m.”

“Asked for ’no cheese, no mayo’ on my burger. It had cheese on it. I got a replacement and it has cheese on it.”

“People touching and LEANING ON a $1.5 million car like it’s theirs.”

“Got some Bojangles this morning and took a bite out of my Cajun filet and it’s just straight-up raw.”

“Write this in English. No, not like that. In French, no points for you.”

“$15 bucks”

“I’m no longer in the mood to eat!”

“I thought I was stupid because I couldn’t figure out which one started with R.”

“Was going to dip my cookies in milk but opened the package and saw this.”

“’I know you’re not feeling well, let me move your car for you.’ The next morning:”

“Plugged a new mixer in. Accidentally turned it on and decided to mix my middle finger! Can’t bend the mixer back.”

“Time to go to bed! Um...what are those dots on my wall? Oh. Oh NO.”

“Rushing to take dinner out of the oven, was so excited, lost my grip. RIP, eggplant parm.”

“My frozen burrito seemed a bit thin, so I thawed and unwrapped it.”

“Oh, are you now?”

“My wife bought this toilet paper holder, and yet...”

“My wife eats apples from the bottom...including the core.”