“I stuck my Reese’s in the same back pocket that my phone was in so I could help a friend move a couch. I forgot about both of them until I got back from my drive home.”

When you’re allergic to hair dye…

“My lush bath bomb just makes it look like a tub filled with pee.”

“Skipped breakfast, stood up too fast, passed out while taking an exam during a zoom meeting, fell on my most expensive piece of furniture, shattered my phone, cut my ear on the broken glass, strained a bicep, and couldn’t submit the exam on time. How’s your day going?”

“Spent the weekend gardening. Forgot insect repellent.”

“Finally got our cracked sidewalk repaired only for some lady to walk her dog straight through it an hour later. All she gave was a shrug.”

“Have no insurance, got fired without having much savings, fell down the stairs the next day, broke my ankle and probably shattered an elbow. Life’s good.”

“This is my Dad’s ‘72 Buick Skylark floating away during Hurricane Sally. By the time they rescued their other cars, this one had water in the tailpipe and wouldn’t drive. RIP.”

“Our disgruntled ex-manager destroyed our pizza store.”

“Fell asleep on my cheese stick after crying for hours over a breakup.”

“While I was running to the bus I tripped and demolished my watch I got from my dad for 18th birthday.”

“Built a brand new house and the day of final inspection come to find its infested with mold.”

“Somebody from Amazon cut the plastic seal and stole the game out of the case, put the empty box in an envelope and shipped me an empty box. Now I gotta wait almost a week for the replacement to arrive.”

“Bought this for our Halloween family skeleton setup because it looks exactly like my sweet dachshund. She unexpectedly passed the next day.”

“Dropped my full can of tuna in the drain.”

“I paid good money for my lawn service to fuck my shit up.”

“After losing 1/3rd of my weight, I finally didn’t feel too fat anymore. The toilet disagreed.”

“Walked a mile in the rain to buy food for my roomate and I. The bag broke, spilling the food right in front of my building.”

“My cousin walked away from the grill and torched 12 t-bone steaks.”

“Cancelled our honeymoon due to COVID. After the wedding decided to go on a last minute mini honeymoon. The first night we saw a plump little guy waddling across the sheets. Of course he’s a bedbug. Did all we could to not bring them home. We were unsuccessful.”

“Customer: Its making a funny knocking noise – true story.”