“Passing out drunk near an Ant Hill.”

“Shout out to the baker missing their nail. Worst part is I chewed on it twice thinking it was a clove of garlic because it’s a garlic and rosemary sourdough before I made the horrific realization it was a finger nail.”

Never have children.

“Glasses broke today, 8 classes to go until I get home.”

“Selling sliding glass door, some assembly required.”

“Mexican place that opened last year. Went there today for food. Damn.”

“Brakes locked on my ’79 Ranchero today in the rain. Not speeding, driving responsibly, nothing I could do. She’s totaled.”

“Discovered that my porcelain countertop was actually tempered glass.”

“Went for a hike, it was 60 degrees with snow on the mountains. I fell through the ice/snow every 5 steps and turned around not even halfway through. Got home and realized I also got absolutely burnt as well.”

“Guess it’s not the right time to crave the Dave’s Combo.”

“Someone broke into my car.”

“Find out while eating Easter lunch the host had a stomach virus the day before. I spent all night sleeping next to the toilet so I could vomit in a trash can while I had diarrhea.”

“Been going to the same barbers for 20 years. We’ve (Scotland) been allowed to go for haircuts for 2 days so I decided to go pay mine a visit. She’s gone.”

“GF was so proud of herself for buying raw doors, cutting in the hinges and drilling the knob hole. I was the bearer of bad news that she did it upside down.”

When you forget the coffee filter… morning!

“Worked hard and saved up money to buy an expensive bicycle. After a long day came home to see that it was stolen. Sawed off locks on the floor for reference.”

“What’s the worst thing to find after you took the last batch of cookies out? The real cinnamon.”

“Accidentally leaving 8 writing pens in the dryer…”

“Had to use the last bit of my emergency fund for new tires, drove it home (2 miles) and it seems I picked up a screw on the way home.”

Having an entire deck of collector cards go through the wash….

“I dropped my curry.”

“A little extra crunch in the lettuce today.”

“Sunlight through the window melted the keyboard.”

“I just dropped my debit card in that crack and it’s my only form of money. They had to take apart the self checkout machine.”