Saw this one on a medical sub awhile back: This woman has just given birth and tore a bit, and the father was in the delivery room while the nurse stitched her up. The father “jokingly” said, “Be sure and stitch her up nice and tight for me down there m lol” Without missing a beat the nurse said, “Just how small do you need it to be, sir?!” She was a legend on the floor for that lol

My friend got pantsed, underwear and all at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up, immediately, he just kept going about his business, while hanging dong. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious. The people at the party that didn't know him, looked really uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely. Our friend/the host said "dude, why don't you pull your pants up?" Pantsed guy said "I didn't pull them down." Then took his turn in beer pong. The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend's pants back up.

Young pregnant co-worker had a stranger stare disapproving at her in a restaurant, then walk up and say "pregnancy isn't very becoming on you." She replied "well, being a nosey rude b**ch isn't becoming on you, but here we are."

Was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy snapped at her for “not knowing how to live without technology” and without looking up she went “don’t you have a pacemaker?”.

A guy told a female coworker she was so ugly that the only thing she could turn on was a hose. Without missing a beat, she replied that at least when she turned something on it got wet. The guy was speechless, and I laughed till I had tears.

My dad and I were at a farming expo. I have a bunch of chickens. This presenter, a chicken-owning expert, is droning on about how stupid chickens are, and I'm getting annoyed. I know they're not clever, but you can teach them basic tricks. And even if they are stupid, okay, fine, but I came here to learn something, please. My dad, without missing a beat, after this woman says they're dumb for the fourth time: "I think chickens take on the personalities of their owners."

Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”.

My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, "Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don't forget this". My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, "Oh we won't forget. We're going to tell them to go get grandpa!" Haa haaa haaa...I love that gal.

Someone asked a friend of mine if they were gay. He said, "If you'll excuse my rudeness in not answering your question, I'll excuse your rudeness for asking it." I thought it was perfect.

“Ladies, I like my vagina shaved” “Then shave your vagina, Bill.”

My mom screaming at my brother that he’s a son of a b*tch, and him calmly saying back to her “yeah, I am.”

My best friend was being made fun of by a (straight) dude for being a lesbian and having a girlfriend, and I (a very protective friend) looked him dead in the eyes and said, "At least she can get a girl."

I don't care if it's self-congratulatory, I'm proud of this one: Having dinner with my dad and older sister. I got straight As in school or something, and she's doing the older sibling thing. Sister: You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but *I* got the street smarts. Me: The corner doesn't count. Dad: *chokes whiles laughing*

I used to work with a very conservative, very angry older man who would get triggered if you did not agree with him. Like red face angry. He would always equate my age to being less intelligent than him. I forget what we were talking about . But he went on about how he was wiser given his age. I simply said if you’re so smart then why the hell are we both doing the same job? He did not have an answer for me. And then I felt bad afterwards for having said it.

This one came from me. I was 7 months pregnant and HUGE. While heading to my car some random dude stopped me and rubbed my stomach while asking when I was due. I rubbed his stomach and asked him when he was due.

My 3 year old niece came over with her dad, and, as little kids do, just randomly interrupted our adult conversation to say emphatically: I’m THREE! Me: Wow, sweetie! How did you get so old?? Niece, gently but matter-of-factly correcting me like I am a simpleton who needs help: Actually, I’m kind of new. It’s been months and I laugh every time I think of this story.

My brothers were fighting and one said the other had a thick skull, he responded by saying “ that’s because I actually have something worth protecting”

My uncle to my husband. "When are you guys having a kid?" My husband. "Please don't ask me about my sex life with your niece"

Random guy: “Kiss my a*s!” My mom: “If it looks anything like your face, forget it!”

I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.

I used the line from the movie Iron Eagle once on a bully at school that actually seemed to help. Using the kids name when he shoved me against some lockers I said so everyone in the hallway could hear: “What’s your problem, Rory? Can’t you get through a single day without proving what an as**ole you are?” He stammered and shrugged and walked always and never really bothered me again.

Regrettably, a secondhand telling. One of my favorite bars in Chicago (Galway Bay) has several Irish bartenders, and gets its fair share of tourists. At the earliest hint of an Irish accent, this particular tourist can't resist... "I've been to Ireland. Amazing place. What part of Ireland are you from?" Bartender - "I'm from (wherever), but I've moved around a bit" Tourist - "My great grandfather was from (somewhere place unrelated to bartender's hometown). He was a farrier. Do you know what a farrier is?" B - "Aye, they shoe horses" [a bit agitated at the dull conversation] T - "Have you ever shoed a horse?" B - "Never shooed a horse, but I've told a donkey to f**k off once."

"I have neither the crayons, nor the time to explain it to you"

5th-grader on the playground, to a kindergartener: "Santa's not real!" Kindergartner to 5th grader: "Santa's real, he brings me presents every year. If he doesnt bring you presents, maybe you should think about why."

“What are you even doing?” “Minding my own f**king business, you should try it sometime.” It was one of those moments where everyone around heard it and went, “ooooohhhh…” at the same time, and it has always stuck with me.

Somewhere on this planet, there is a tree that has spent it's entire life creating the oxygen you breathe. You should find that tree and apologize.

I worked with an older gentleman who was from Chicago. He had a story or an opinion on everything and he was very proud of his smack talking talents. The entire department was walking off to a meeting and, as it was summer and many of us were wearing shorts, somehow the topic shifted to the lack of hair on somebody's legs. Mr Smack Talker spouted out the comment that "hair don't grow on dead things." All I had to do was look at his head and arch an eyebrow. He had let the fact that he was quite bald escape his memory.

"I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on Earth!" "B**ch, if I was the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in line!"

"Your mom's a wh*re!" "AND YOUR DAD'S A CUSTOMER!" Funniest s**t I've ever heard.

I asked my mum out of curiosity what she would do if she found a used condom in my brother's room. Her response: "I would remind him that you can't get HIV from your own hand" For context, I live in South Africa where HIV is very common

When I was working as a bartender one Halloween, I came dressed as an old Western style bartender (complete with mustache and accent). We had the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours, and then an adults only costume piss up later on. One of the regulars laughed at my costume and said I looked stupid, so I told him "You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you've come dressed as a c*nt". He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful.

At the Scottish games, dude asked a performer in a kilt “what do you wear under that skirt?” The guy did not skip a beat and said “your mother’s lip stick.” I f**king laughed and so did the guys buddies. He was so shook.

Mom and dad were arguing. Mom: Kiss my a*s! Dad: Mark your spot, you're all a*s!