Got introduced to identical twins. First thing I said was "wow, how can you guys tell each other apart?".

I was on a long train trip, gazing out the window, when I said to my friend: “I feel like every railroad crossing gate we’ve passed since I’ve been looking has been down… what are the odds…” I have a PhD (not in trains).

I was watching a TV show (can't remember what) with my family. There was this cute black girl who appeared in a scene and had a nice, short hairstyle I thought was cool. I said out loud "If I was black, I would have my hair like that." I am a black guy. I meant to say girl.

"If there are adult diapers, why aren't there adult strollers?" My husband, looking at me like he regrets ever meeting me: "you mean wheelchairs??".

Me to the lady that I thought looks like me (as I was in passing): “Oh hey! It looks like we could be twins!” My reflection: ….. It had been a long shift.

"You hit me in the cervix!" I am a man. I meant sternum. Still have to shake that memory out of my head sometimes.

One time I was in the grocery store and a couple were in front of the jar of pickles I wanted to get. They noticed me standing there and said, "Oh, are we in your way?" They moved and I grabbed the jar. I then turned to them and said, "Thanks." Then--for some reason I'll never understand--added, "I like pickles." They must have been thinking, "Well, it's nice that they let him do his shopping on his own.

My manager's manager asked me to ballpark the percentage of time I was spending on each of my three projects. I confidently told him: 75% on project A, 25% on project B, and 25% on project C. I heard my cubicle neighbor laughing (didn't immediately click that she was laughing at me). Manager's manager paused a moment, then in a very kind and patient voice (like he was speaking to a Labrador with a learning disability) "So, I'd like those numbers to add up to 100%. Can you try again?" Then it dawned on me.

Years ago a coworker and I were discussing how many Japanese people apparently have a KFC dinner for Christmas. We then wondered "What do they do for Thanksgiving?" and began attempting to google it. Spent quite a few minutes trying to search it up, remarking to each other in confusion that we couldn't find anything at all. I then realized how incredibly stupid we were.

Me, crossing the border from Mexico to CA. Border Patrol guy. " what is your country of origin?" Me, thinking That's easy! Me to border guard "California" Guy gave me a look for a moment, and then just said, "Go,"

Was really blanking on this casual friend’s last name. I talk to them pretty regularly and everything. But I was just BLANK. Wouldn’t come to me so had to go to Facebook and look it up. We have the same last name.

What's a chocolate bar? A lady told me that she loved chocolate bars and I pictured a bar that serves chocolate instead of booze for a moment, and then I felt very stupid.

"your born in December?? that sucks you have to wait a whole year for your birthday".

Not too much ice please, don't wanna water it down. (It was literally just a cup of ice water).

“Oh look, it’s a full sun out today”.

I said it would be nice if we had a “mirror app”!

"Garbage truck drivers must have the chillest job in the world. They only work one day a week!" - me for the first 16 years of my life.

Me: hi how are you Them: good how are you Me: good, how are you.

I called my husband in a panic because I couldn’t find my phone. I actually asked him if he knew where my phone was. His answer - ah..in your hand? So yeah.

When planning a trip to America, I was very confused as to why google maps was refusing to give me a walking route to the Statue of Liberty. Turns out you can’t walk to the Statue of Liberty because it’s in the water

One time I said I wish I could swim in the air & my friend said “You mean flying?”.

Claimed that the slowest animal is probably an enema. I misspoke and meant to say anemone. I'll never forget the looks of confusion from my coworkers.

I was at home in my apartment alone and cleaning up and realized I hadn’t plugged the vacuum in. “Come on John,” I said out loud to myself, which was weird since I never talk to myself out loud, and the worst part was it came out, “C’mon Jnonn” Like how do I call myself by name and then pronounce it wrong.

I was in grade 1, had a Canadian girl come to my school, sprung up a friendship. Looked her dead in the eyes and asked. "What swear words do you know in Canadian" she tried to tell me multiple times it was the same words and I refused to believe her. I toss and turn at night knowing she probably tells people that now.

Asked a server at a Mexican restaurant if their quesadillas had cheese in them. In front of my Mexican American grandfather. He very patiently asked me what the Spanish word for cheese was and then I realized my mistake.

"it gives me testosterone" serotonin. i meant serotonin.

What is the name of the dog from schobby doo.

I made a dentist appointment yesterday. They gave me a date and asked if 10:50 was a good time. I replied with "I'm assuming that is 10:50am...".

Ordered a burger with no onions, then onions rings because I don’t like onions. The look the waitress gave me was priceless. She said I think you maybe just don’t like onions raw. Yeah…that’s what I said. I don’t like onions. Argued with her for 5 minutes and couldn’t understand why she was questioning if I wanted onions on that burger.

It was years ago and I was waiting tables. A lady came in and asked for a hot diet coke. I asked how tf I was supposed to make her a hot diet coke. She told me to put it in the microwave. My response verbatim. " But the ice will melt ".

I was at a job interview for a baking job. The Interviewer asked me if I know how to bake. I told her no but I can read. Meaning I can follow the directions of a recipe.

About ten years ago or so I was at a restaurant and went to the restroom. I told my mom and daughter, "When the waitress comes back, can you have her bring some more ice? My water is too watery." My family does not le me forget.

I asked what half of 200 was. When I was given looks of “you’re joking right?” I quickly realized what an idiot I really was.