I can smell you. Everyone can. Please for the love of god, use deodorant. To the people asking why I wouldn't say this to a student, the answer is twofold: 1. Puberty is a smelly ordeal, and a lot of the kids can't help it 2. Because god forbid it's not their fault (infection, a cultural thing, or improper washing of clothes), you don't want to alienate that student forever.

I can see who you have a crush on in the classroom.

Please stop juuling in the classrooms that’s what the bathrooms are for

If your parents email a teacher and argue with them, the whole staff knows. (At least at my school)

I knew you were cheating so I gave you a test with the answers in a different order for the rest of the semester. You clearly weren't very bright to figure it out, and yes I am that spiteful. It was easier than reporting the cheating.

I'm a bus driver. Sit the f**k down you will die if I crash.

Your parents are literally the worst part of my job.

When you think you are being genius by getting me to talk about random things at the beginning of class instead of "teaching", I'm really allowing it to happen b/c I don't have enough planned to cover a full class.

The weed smell doesn't magically disappear between the parking lot and my classroom

Yes, I put you in a group with the kid you have a crush on intentionally. I'm stuck here with you 180 days a year, I want to see some drama.

That we have much better hearing than you assume. We just choose our battles as it pertains to inappropriate comments. And sometimes I pretend not to see that thing you did just because I too found it humorous, and speaking to you about it would only result in me cracking up.

“If I didn’t think you would abuse the situation, I would really enjoy being more human and casual around you. I think you are a fun person to be around.”

One day you're going to come across people who are not being paid to tolerate you, and all of a sudden life is going to become considerably more difficult

One of the most valuable lessons I can teach you is to fake looking busy. If we're supposed to be working on an assignment or reading or whatever, and you see me coming your way... At the least have a piece of paper on your desk and a pen in your hand and some s**t on your paper, and then I won't bother you. If you have nothing going on and can't even be bothered to make it look like you're trying, I'm heading your way. This lesson will be invaluable with eventual bosses someday.

That my students are the reason why I am second-guessing having my own kids.

Yes, I do have favorite students. No, I won't tell you who they are because that would discourage you, but yes they're probably who you imagine them to be.

I encourage my worst kids as much or more than my favorites because I don’t want them back in my class next year.

I actually teach middle school rather than high school, but I'll play: I love them a whole bunch (I do actually tell them this, that's not the thing) but goddamn every single middle schooler is an a*****e. Like, even the best ones. They're all a*****s. You can't help it at that age. Part of the process of being a good middle school teacher is accepting the a**********s and figuring out ways to work with it. Don't worry, guys, your peers (and you) will stop being a******s soon. Most of you, anyway. Also, all the things you think your parents and teachers don't know about? We do. We've done it all. We just would prefer not to think about you doing it because you're much too young.

If I know your name by the 3rd day of a new school year, that means you're probably an a*****e.

If you’re going to eat in class stop staring at me while you’re doing it! You’re ratting yourself out. I’ve already answered this in a comment, the reason the students aren’t allowed to eat is because those are the school rules. I have no say in the matter and I won’t jeopardize my job for it especially because it’s my first year working there and my supervisor pops in once in a while. Secondly, I do allow water (no drinks allowed either) and I let them finish their meal outside before the second bell goes off. Sometimes they even offer me some! And if they are truly hungry (they know this), they can just ask me in the beginning of class to eat outside. I also don’t punish them when I catch them, I just politely ask them to put it away and have a laugh. See, i’m not a complete monster!

A few off the top of my head: Just because I like you as a person doesn’t mean that I won’t fail you. Being smart isn’t a justification for being lazy and I can’t pass someone that never hands in work. I moved you away from your friends because they were taking you down with them. You have a real future in sports but you need to pass my class to play them. Your friends were making you fail and, if you don’t get to play volleyball, I don’t know what kind of future you have in front of you. I wish that the positivity that you get in my class could follow you home. I’ve met your parents and they are a nightmare. I do my best to encourage you here but I know that, some days, that just might not be enough. I have never and will never find a student intimidating. That’s why I laughed at you when you asked me if I “knew who your father was”. Yeah, he’s the manager of a car dealership; that means nothing to nobody. I had a kid throw a desk at me and, while it scared me in the moment, it didn’t make me fear him. One day, you will meet someone who has real power and I just wish that I could be there to see it.

The odds of you using any specific piece of knowledge you learn in high school is slim. The odds of you using some piece of knowledge from high school is near absolute and you have no idea what it's going to be or when it will happen, so you may as well try at all of it. The biggest thing you're going to learn is how to learn.

Your sense of entitlement is most likely acquired from your upbringing, so parent teacher conferences to discuss your grades aren’t going to do s**t when the parents just blame us, despite you putting in little to zero effort.

I am no longer a teacher, but I remember several days that I felt lazy and wanted to give the class the day off. I never did because I knew the teacher's pet would rat me out. Sometimes even the teachers don't like the teacher's pet.

If you are stupid enough to have filmed yourself doing something that can get you in trouble, especially legal trouble, for the love of God don't post it online. I am not telling them this because plenty of them would see it as me approving of them misbehaving as long as they don't get caught.

I don't care that you came to class stoned. Just stop interrupting class, and for gods sake, don't touch any power tools while you're stoned.

You're unique, you're not special. Set your goals high but understand that if you change your goals to needs, you will have a lifetime of disappointment.

A lot of us probably drink, smoke, sleep around, etc more than you do, and hearing you talking about it and trying to hide it as if its something we wouldn't know about is richly ironic.

To my freshmen, yes I always know when you didn’t do my math because you stayed up late playing Fortnite, you added me as a friend on Epic so I see that. Also the amount of homework not done in lower grades when new battlepasses come out is so coincidental. To a specific freshman, I support your desire to become a streamer, but editing videos should not keep you away from your homework for a whole week and your friends always rat you out when you stay home/skip to make/edit those videos. To all highschoolers I teach, you’re dumb, but I do love you guys. I’m not stupid and while I know you cheat on your homework, I don’t care since it’s only worth 10% of your grade and you’re forgoing the practice you can get before the test. To the 6th graders I teach math to. Dear Lord you make me cringe so hard I have to take ibuprofen some days. I have so much more, but my lunch break is almost over.

I taught after school care/summer school for a year and I want so badly to tell them that: !.) now is a great time to find out who THEY are and to stop parroting what they hear other people say, 2.) stop trying so hard to make Jamie like you and be your friend because even though you and Jamie have been friends since pre-k, people growing apart is normal and Jamie is a manipulative minge muffin, 3.) I kept Owen and other trouble-makers close to me in class because giving them just a little positive attention was infinitely preferable to giving them ALL of my attention in a negative light. Plus, maybe they just needed someone to listen and give them one on one, which I'm happy to do. 4.) It's useless saying it because it's not going to make a difference, but this week's crisis won't matter next year or maybe even next week and it certainly won't matter on your death bed

You are right. The administration is completely out of touch when it comes to technology. I also work better while listening to music on my phone.

One of the most memorable things a teacher said to me I really glad she did say it to my face. "I really like you as a person, but I hate you as a student." My French teacher told me this when I was in high school, during this period where I was really depressed and on the verge of flunking out. Having her be so honest with me and pointing out that I was wasting my potential made me want to do better and eventually I did.

My gamertag. I usually say there's a policy against it but there isn't. I just don't wanna play Overwatch or whatever with a bunch of relatively good kids who turn into total monsters when they play video games. If I tell the cool ones, it'll get around.

I hate the texts as much as you do, but everyone just shrugs when I suggest changing them up! I’m sorry they made us keep that awful After book on the list, I genuinely offered to buy them all back from students so I could burn the waste of time that they are

I don't know if there's an exact quote I'd use, but I wish I could let my students know how dumb they look sometimes. And how they need to relax and stop taking themselves so seriously. I also frequently find myself wishing I could rag on kids' clothes/hairstyles that they've obviously put way too much time/money into (but these thoughts only cross my mind when they're being a******s). That's the unprofessional/petty stuff I'd say. I could think of something much more wise, but it's my lunch break and Friday and my brain is fried from trying to keep these a******s together a week before finals.