“‘I Never Let my Kids eat processed Foods’ “Oh piss off Paula you lying bastard! After a week of three school runs a day, plus the ‘I forgot my banana on the stairs mum!’ rerun before you eventually turn up for work, looking like something a f*cking cat dragged in, you reach for those chicken twatting nuggets, chips and beans on a Friday Night like we all do! “‘My kids are in bed by 7pm every Night’ “Really Susan? REALLY? Because my little c***s were swinging from the curtains like f*cking spider monkeys every night last week until 8.30pm when they eventually shut the f*ck up and went to sleep. F*ck off Susan ya lying twat and put your Piriton syringe away ya cheating f*ck stick!”

“‘My kids are only allowed their tablets for 20 minutes a day’ “Barbara you’re a lying bastard! We all tell them to ‘watch a film’ whilst we clean our shit hole houses, then before we know it they’re neck deep and two hours into some screaming little twat on YouTube, watching them play an Xbox game that they f*cking own themselves, but noooooo, its more fun watching some snotty bratty bastard playing it! “‘Mine aren’t allowed treats in between meals, they have fruit’ “Carole you bullshitting arse goblin! I left the room for five minutes last week and this happened. A f*ck tonne of milk! A whole tray of biscuits. Both iPads and massive happy faces!”

“Like f*ck I was taking it off them. I was proud of their teamwork! “They’re children. They should be allowed chicken nuggets for tea every now and then. It’s OK if they have a late night here and there, or an iPad game/film for longer than 20 minutes so we can maybe, just maybe wash our f*cking hair alone without our Gremlins trashing the bathroom like a pair of wild bastard seals! “Mums you’re doing just fine! Make the f*cking nuggets. Utilise the iPads so you can maybe hear the voices in your head again. “Let them knacker themselves out playing TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) upstairs on the c***ing curtains until they flake out, and let them have a treat. Let them steal the cookies from the cupboard and let them be f*cking proud of it! “With faces like those, I know I am.”