Hey @ebaumsworld can I put together a monthly tweet gallery for the site?#freecontent

— BoyCalledAnn (@BoyCalledAnn) April 17, 2013

The Scarecrow didn't have the brains, Tin Man didn't have the heart, andthe Lion didn't have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

— Dr. Thanatos (@DrThanatos) October 1, 2011

Ladies!I've analyzed what it means when men use emoticons! :) = Wanna fuck?;) = Wanna fuck?:D = Wanna fuck?:P = Wanna fuck?

— Peauxtassium, k? (@NotJPo) December 23, 2011

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

— Verifried Drunk™®© (@VerifiedDrunk) September 28, 2011

When a kid says, "see ya later, alligator!" I always reply, "after a while, shithead!" because saying goodbye doesn't have to rhyme.

— Christopher Sweet (@kingofalltweets) August 17, 2011

If I learned anything from Forest Gump it's that people who love to run are retarded.

— Brain R Cade (@iRandumbs) November 13, 2012

Thanks for the Facebook invite to your wedding cheapass. Please enjoy this FarmVille mystery gift on the occasion of your marriage.

— Fuzzy LePimp (@FuzzyPimple) June 12, 2012

Look. Just tell us if its fucking Maybelline or not. The suspense is killing me

— comedyfish (@comedyfish) July 19, 2012

“The Force” is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can’t tell he is kissing his own sister?

— Bad Bad Leeroy Brown (@bdbdleeroybrown) November 20, 2011

This article is titled “How to get Jessica Biel’s body” but it’s just a bunch of health tips and nothing at all about kidnapping.

— Gavin Pivott (@gavinpivott) August 6, 2012

The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

— Pax Paxochka (@Paxochka) February 9, 2011

Hey, what do you call a guy who inherits a ton of cows? A dairy heir. Sorry. I’ll butt out now.

— Wile E. Quixote (@ScottLinnen) April 17, 2013

I shouldn't tweet at work, I'm getting my emails and tweets mixed up.Kind RegardsGavin

— Gavin (@offsidebastard) August 25, 2011

We should let the guy who named "platypus" name some more stuff.

— Allan Cresswell (@AllanCresswell) March 26, 2013

I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but I think shorts should be longer than your vagina.

— AngieDavisheartspeen (@Adar79Angie) August 6, 2012

If Laurence Fishburn ever overcooked his salmon, he'd probably never hear the end of it

— Dre77â„¢ (@Dre_77_) April 17, 2013

IF all women are crazy…Then…You might as well pick a pretty one.

—Rock God (@redpawn3) March 31, 2012

God created everyone equal, then he put a dick on the stupid ones.

— Robyn Vo (@robyn_vo) March 5, 2012

Next time you shake someone's hand, point to it after and say, "you might want to wash that now."It's so fun!

— Bunny Gordon (@ExhibitJuliet) April 17, 2013

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he wanted.

— noog (@noogscorner) May 31, 2012