Hollywood's Greatest Presidents
Avon_Barksdale
Published
10/23/2012
Succeeding where our political system failed, Hollywood has brought us some of the greatest U.S. Presidents to never exist. They achieve more in ninety minutes than real-life Presidents do in two terms, tackling complex issues ranging from constant alien invasions to apocalyptic environmental disasters. Let's take a look at some of the most notable Commander-in-Chiefs to ever appear on screen.
Film: Air Force One (1997)
Name: President James Marshall
Played By: Harrison Ford
Achievements in Office: While all Presidents claim to protect America against terrorism, President James Marshall remains the only Commander in Chief to personally shoot a terrorist in the fucking face. When Russian terrorists hijacked Air Force One, Marshall resolved the potentially disastrous situation by unleashing all forty-five calibers of his diplomatic skills into the collective skulls of his Eastern European adversaries. Calling on his experience as former pilot of the Millennium Falcon, he successfully guided Air Force One into friendly airspace.
Film: Independence Day (1996)
Name: President Thomas J. Whitmore
Played By: Bill Pullman
Achievements in Office: Ignoring the fact that his death would leave his people without a definite leader, Whitmore gave his troops a rousing speech before deciding to take part in the counter-attack against the alien invaders. Whitmore's term in The Oval Office demonstrated the importance of trusting the credibility of the lone eccentric scientist as well as having a special "end of days" monologue ready beforehand.
President James Dale
Played By: Jack Nicholson
Film: Mars Attacks! (1996)
Achievements in Office: Unlike Thomas J. Whitmore, President James Dale is perhaps worst president to never be elected into office. When the Martians attack Earth, Dale tries again and again to make peace with the invaders rather than let his nuts hang and kick some alien ass. He is eventually stabbed to death by a disembodied hand, which is pitiful.
President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho
Played By: Terry Crews
Film: Idiocracy (2006)
Achievements in Office: PRESIDENT DWAYNE ELIZONDO MOUNTAIN DEW HERBERT CAMACHO IZ THE BEST FUKING PRESIDENT EVER SO SHUT YOUR NERD ASS UP. I VOTED FOR HIM 8 TIMES WITH 10 DIFFERENT COLORED CRAYONS.
President Tom Beck
Played By: Morgan Freeman
Film: Deep Impact (1998)
Achievements in Office: The good news is America has finally overcome racism; the bad news is a 7-mile wide comet is plummeting into Earth. Even so, President Beck is credited for bravely leading his country in the face of certain extinction, and is noted for his smooth, gentle, voice. Though he left office with a high approval rating, his decision to pardon his friend Andy Dufresne for the murder of his wife and her lover led to much controversy.
President Thomas Wilson
Played by: Danny Glover
Film: 2012 (2009)
Achievements in Office: Despite questions of whether or not he was getting too old for this shit, President Thomas Wilson proved his leadership skills during yet another disaster which threatened mankind. When solar flares from the sun melted the polar icecaps, President Wilson opted to stay behind in Washington DC rather than boarding the giant arks built to save humanity from extinction. Though he did not survive, in the end President Wilson probably lucked out because the arks finally docked in South Africa, where everyone was forced to listen to Die Antwood over and over again.
Film: Air Force One (1997)
Name: President James Marshall
Played By: Harrison Ford
Achievements in Office: While all Presidents claim to protect America against terrorism, President James Marshall remains the only Commander in Chief to personally shoot a terrorist in the fucking face. When Russian terrorists hijacked Air Force One, Marshall resolved the potentially disastrous situation by unleashing all forty-five calibers of his diplomatic skills into the collective skulls of his Eastern European adversaries. Calling on his experience as former pilot of the Millennium Falcon, he successfully guided Air Force One into friendly airspace.
Film: Independence Day (1996)Name: President Thomas J. Whitmore
Played By: Bill Pullman
Achievements in Office: Ignoring the fact that his death would leave his people without a definite leader, Whitmore gave his troops a rousing speech before deciding to take part in the counter-attack against the alien invaders. Whitmore's term in The Oval Office demonstrated the importance of trusting the credibility of the lone eccentric scientist as well as having a special "end of days" monologue ready beforehand.
President James Dale
Played By: Jack Nicholson
Film: Mars Attacks! (1996)
Achievements in Office: Unlike Thomas J. Whitmore, President James Dale is perhaps worst president to never be elected into office. When the Martians attack Earth, Dale tries again and again to make peace with the invaders rather than let his nuts hang and kick some alien ass. He is eventually stabbed to death by a disembodied hand, which is pitiful.
President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho
Played By: Terry Crews
Film: Idiocracy (2006)
Achievements in Office: PRESIDENT DWAYNE ELIZONDO MOUNTAIN DEW HERBERT CAMACHO IZ THE BEST FUKING PRESIDENT EVER SO SHUT YOUR NERD ASS UP. I VOTED FOR HIM 8 TIMES WITH 10 DIFFERENT COLORED CRAYONS.
President Tom Beck
Played By: Morgan Freeman
Film: Deep Impact (1998)
Achievements in Office: The good news is America has finally overcome racism; the bad news is a 7-mile wide comet is plummeting into Earth. Even so, President Beck is credited for bravely leading his country in the face of certain extinction, and is noted for his smooth, gentle, voice. Though he left office with a high approval rating, his decision to pardon his friend Andy Dufresne for the murder of his wife and her lover led to much controversy.
President Thomas Wilson
Played by: Danny Glover
Film: 2012 (2009)
Achievements in Office: Despite questions of whether or not he was getting too old for this shit, President Thomas Wilson proved his leadership skills during yet another disaster which threatened mankind. When solar flares from the sun melted the polar icecaps, President Wilson opted to stay behind in Washington DC rather than boarding the giant arks built to save humanity from extinction. Though he did not survive, in the end President Wilson probably lucked out because the arks finally docked in South Africa, where everyone was forced to listen to Die Antwood over and over again.
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