"A lot of people tell me I’ve got an addiction to brake fluid, truth is I can stop at any time." - SweetAndSourSymphony

"Why do SCUBA divers fall out of the boat backwards? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat." - hooligans

"What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste." - vietbond

"Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it" - Badbadbobo

"What does a robot do during a one night stand? He Nuts and Bolts" - TheGoodSquirt

"Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded? De brie was everywhere." - meanderingbartender

"I was in the office today and the cleaning lady asked if I wanted to smoke weed with her after work. I turned her down. I don't really like high maintenance women" - dv282828

"This reminds me of the man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk." - 2TicketsToFlavorTown

"Two nuns were sitting on a park bench when a naked man runs by... One of the nuns had a stroke, the other couldn't reach..." - Atrey

"What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam." - Flea1381

"The Buddhist gets his hotdog and pays with a $10. He asks the vendor, "Where's my change?" The vendor replies, "Change comes from within." - Elise_de_la_Serre

"I mixed up the words jacuzzi and yakuza and now im in hot water with the Japanese mafia" - Danonza99

"Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. One guy says, “I wish I could do that.” The other replies, “... well maybe just try petting him first.” - ClinchBandit

"A Proctologist walks into a bank, he needs to sign a document. He tries to sign, but he pulls a thermometer out of his shirt pocket. "Oh shit, some asshole has my pen!"" - tedmalin

"Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT. Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk"." - ArjunK118

What did the sign on the door of the brothel say? "Beat it, we're closed." - omegadarlin

"Two windmills are standing in a field when one asks "what's your favorite type of music?" The other says "I'm a big metal fan" - starry_cobra

"Why did the blind man fall into the well?? He couldn't see that well" - JuanezSanchez

"The divorce court judge says to Mickey "Now let me get this straight Mr. Mouse, you want a divorce from your wife Minnie because she's crazy?" And Mickey says "No, I never said she was crazy, I said she was f***ing Goofy!" - jgriffin7

"What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat? Kicked out of the petting zoo!" - BlueManQuad

"So a grandpa takes his grandson out fishing, the grandpa pulls out a smoke and lights it. The kid asks "hey grandpa can i have one?" And he says "does your dick touch your ass?" And the kid says "well no" and grandpa says "theres your answer, youre too young". Then grandpa pulls out some whiskey and takes a few pulls off the bottle. Kid asks "hey could i have a drink of that grandpa?" And grandpa says "does your dick touch your ass?" "Well.. no it doesnt" says the kid. Grandpa says "well theres your answer". So the kid pulls out some cookies and starts snacking away on them and grandpa says "gee kiddo those cookies look pretty good, could i have one?" So the kid says "does your dick touch your ass?" And grandpa says "why yes it does!" And the kid says "good! you can go fuck yourself then!"" - Fenix_Pony

"why does a chicken coop only have two doors? because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan." - TeapotHoe

"What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter he won't come anyway." - MorgainofAvalon

"Why does the little mermaid wear seashells? Because she's too big for b shells" - iamazoe