You'd struggle to pour water out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel. You've got two brain cells, and they're both fighting for third place. Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you to breathe. You should go apologize to it. At my funeral, I want my coworkers to be my pallbearers and lower my casket into my grave, so they can all let me down one last time. And my personal favorite, from an episode of *Frasier* : >Roger, at Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful, that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now---I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.

Your mama is so slow, it took her 9 months to come up with a joke.

Winston Churchill supposedly in response to being called drunk during a debate: “I may be drunk but tomorrow I shall be sober. You, however, madam, shall always be ugly”.

Some guy on Reddit says he had fornicated with OPs mother. OP replies “I'm happy to know that I'm no longer her biggest disappointment”. I haven’t heard any insult that epic before or since.

You eat corn the long way.

My favorite of all time was from roast me. Guy was wearing a checkered shirt and the line was: “Thanks for wearing graph paper so we can calculate the exact waste of space”

When I was in high school, one of my classmates gave our teacher a typical “your mom” response to a question without realizing the teacher’s mother had just died. Without missing a beat, the teacher said “leave my mother out of this. I don’t make fun of your parents, and look what they produced.”

16 year old me trying to convince my dad to take my friends and I to see American Pie: Dad: so what is it about? Me: a group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity. Dad: I can stay home and see that.

“You’re not the dumbest person I’ve ever met, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”

Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation: “You make it really difficult to underestimate you.” The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .

Bunch of quite pretentious people getting out of a limo at a club and pretending they’re more than they are to get in ahead of the line, bouncer quips “ Can always tell clowns, all arriving in the same car.”

I was at a pool in Vegas and wearing a straw cowboy hat with my shirt open. One friend said "damn, how can you not get laid with that outfit today" Other friend said "don't worry, he'll show us."

A colleague of mine was told the following by a waitress when he had tried to hit on her. "You have more d**k in your personality than you do in your pants"

Was playing Pavlov(vr game) with a group of people, one of which was this very annoying kid who kept saying something like "You're bad because you're adopted" and such like that. He did that to one dude, and the guy replies something like "I'd return the insult, but that'd imply someone wanted you" Had the whole lobby erupting. IDK if it's taken from somewhere or what.

You've got a face for radio, and a voice for writing.

I was at a hot girl bar with some of my coworkers a few years ago having drinks after work. All the girls were 10/10’s and our waitress had super blonde almost silver hair that looked really nice. One of my coworkers got a little too drunk and started hitting on her, which she handled well. She was probably used to it. He pulls her aside and loudly in front of all of us shouts at her “do you know what we call your hair color where I’m from? “F**k me blonde””. Without missing a beat she replies “do you know what we call your hair color where I’m from? “A*****e brown”” and walked away. We all died laughing and tipped her very well. He was cut off after that needless to say. I still think about this 6 years later

I'd challenge you to a battle of wits but I see you are unarmed.

When I was 16, I accidentally cut a woman off and she screamed out her car window at me “Who did you f**k to get your license!?!?” I laughed so hard. It really stuck with me.

“You’re not pretty enough to be this dumb”

Best one I've heard recently was someone who commented on a shirtless picture of a guy and called him Tragic Mike.

When your mom dropped you off at school this morning she got fined because they thought she was littering.

''I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.''

Context aside, someone once told me I look like I go to the park to punch birds.

If you were a spice, you'd be flour.

They’d need a recipe for making ice cubes

"it's because of people like you, that they still print instructions on shampoo bottles". Loved that.

My husband was going out with his friends in their 20's. One of them came downstairs wearing a sweater and chuck tailors with khakis and his roommate goes "what's up, Ellen."

I hope you have the day you deserve.

"I envy the people who've *never* met you."

Best I ever heard was "you look like somebody set you on fire and put you out with a chain".

I always thought the Robert Downey^2 vs Val Kilmer was hilarious. "Look in the dictionary under the definition of idiot, know what you'll find?" "Uh, a picture of me?" "No, you'll find the definition of idiot, which you *f*****g* are!" Or also literally anything that comes out of peter capaldi's mouth in "in the loop"

"God just be making anybody."